There are few times when the veil I have created around myself begins to come undone. That may sound rather cryptic, because well, it is, even for me. However, I will do my best to explain what I mean, especially while I am in a moment of clarity. Ever since I was young, I’ve had a problem, a singular problem in the mountain of problems life has thrown my way, that has persisted with me up to today, and more likely than not, will persist until my death. This particular problem, despite not knowing when or how it arose, has been at the core of my being for as long as I can remember. What I’m talking about, is not knowing who I am. Now, I know, that sounds pretty anticlimactic for all the buildup I went through, but hear me out. This is a problem that almost everyone on the planet experiences, at least once in their lives. The inability to discern what their true nature is. In my case, I’ve never really know where the real me, and the contructed me start and finish. What I mean by that, is due to the early years of my childhood, those that I hardly remember, combined with my inate social issues, prompted me to “design” a personality that was desireable to others. I wanted to be needed, and most of all liked, by everyone around me. Due to this desire, I crafted my words, my actions, and even my preferences towards being likable. I think this is why I have these ridiculous “rules” in my head about how I should act, and how others should act as well. Strictly speaking, because I want to optimize my likability, and I am often confused when others don’t do the same. Because of this, I have made this “veil” around me, on how I act around others, my body language, even my speech is altered on a person by person basis. The more I think about it, the less unique it sounds. The desire to be liked by others is usually a staple in most people’s personalities. You normally would call these type of people, “fake”, in that they put on appearances solely for the sake of others. The difference here is, I’ve become so good at doing this, that the line between what I’ve fabricated, and the “real” me is often incredibly blurry.
It is only in times of intense anger, that the real me is revealed. The incredibly selfish, heartless, cold and calculating person that I truely am, only comes out if you’ve really upset me. The reason I’m writing about this now, is because of what I mentioned in my previous post. My family is falling apart at the seams, and despite my best efforts, life is getting increasingly difficult in my house. Particularly because my mother’s pain medication is being stolen, and although I am certain it isn’t me who is doing so, my sister is convinced that I am the culprit. This simple accusation flipped a switch in my head, releasing the beast that I keep chained up to protect not only others, but also myself. Normally, when I get angry, it is incredibly short lived, and I return to a calm state rather quickly. However, in this case, it has been three days, and I am still boiling over inside. I’ve tried various coping skills, talking with my friends, my therapist, and even letting the anger out, yet nothing has worked. The only goal that has been in my head for these past three days, has been to destroy the lives of my siblings, as cruelly and devistatingly as possible. I want to use everything I can against them to humiliate and hurt them as much as humanly possible. I’ve thought of using their drug habits against them in their places of employment, or even calling the police to have them arrested on drug charges. I’ve thought of slashing their tires, or setting their cars on fire. All I feel is pure, unadulterated rage, and this “real” me that I usually keep hidden, is forcing its way to the surface. I keep telling myself that I only want to prove my innocence, but I can’t help my mind from crossing over into “nuclear” territory. A decent analogy that I told my friend the other day, is that my sister accusing me is like Japan bombing Pearl Harbor during WWII, and my response is to nuke two of her cities. Sure it might all seem justified in my eyes, but I literally want to decimate her to a point that she has no hope of recovering.
The point I am making, and the explanation behind the title of this post, is that I am, at heart, an evil person. I will use any means necessary to obliterate my adversaries, regardless of morality or even legality. I hide behind this elaborate facade, even with those I am closest. For I am not a good person, the farthest from it. Yet, I try everyday to be the best “me” that I can. I am still driven by the desire to be liked, to be included, to be a valuable part of something bigger than myself. I don’t know why, at this point, I keep pushing forwards. It is this cage that I’ve built for myself, that gives me purpose. I am an enigma, even to myself. I don’t think I will ever truly understand who I am, for I live for the sake of others. Hopefully, you, the one reading this, will never have to see my dark side. I hope no one has the displeasure of seeing my dark side, it’s this dark side that is who I truly am. From my mind to yours, Alan Wolfgang, signing off