Falling Apart

Firstly, I want to express my sincerest apologies to all those who follow my blog, or enjoy reading my articles. The absence I took from writing was not entirely by choice, though I wouldn’t say that I was without the option to write. For those of you who don’t know, I have 2 jobs, one full time and one part time. I usually get one day off each week, Sundays. Though the reason behind my “disappearance” from writing was mainly due to my lack of ideas for articles. I also can say with utmost certainty that my depression is back, not in full force, but back nevertheless. There were many things that ultimately lead to my lack of inspiration, and coupled with my desire to write things that are enjoyable, I just didn’t write at all. Again, my sincerest apologies, I said I would write at least once a week, and I have yet again failed to live up to that claim. Now I won’t say with confidence that I am back in my writing mood, because honestly, I’m just tired. I’m tired from work, I’m tired from my family, I’m tired from just about everything. Though I can say with utmost certainty, that there is no danger to my life, I am not suicidal. Though my depression has returned, it is fundamentally different than my prior, clinical depression. I know that this depression I feel now, has its root causes, which I have identified. Yet, the solemness that I now feel, is due to the inability to change just about anything in my life at this current point in time. I can’t go back to school without the funds to do so, and without a degree, I can’t advance in my career, I can’t advance in my career so I can’t make more money, I can’t make more money so I can’t move out. It all is rooted in my finances, which at this time, are barely making ends meet. But enough about me, let’s talk about what I really wanted to write about in the first place.

As you can probably glean from the title, and my little apology rant, things are not really going well for me. It is becoming inrceasingly difficult to keep my thoughts positive. I am still seeing my therapist regularly, but I feel I’m only making steps backwards. Right now, my goal is to go back to school, and get my Bachelor’s degree. However, not only due to finances, but also due to some external factors, I can’t return to school until next fall. Having my primary goal seem so far away makes it feel almost unobtainable. And as you can imagine, having a primary goal that feels unobtainable, can often lead to a worsening mood. Not only that, but my family, as it is now, is simply falling apart. Personally, I try to keep myself distanced from familial relations, because they are often far too complex and difficult to manage. Yet, I can’t help but feel deep emotional pain as the only family I have left, is slowly crumbling at the foundations.

Firstly, my brother, who is in my opinion, barely even human due to the way that he treats other people, especially his family. Despite my mother and I’s best attempts, we are continuously failing to reach him. He got his first “real” job last month, and is making more than my sister and I combined. However, when he started, he was getting home later than I was, but now, he is getting home far earlier than me. Me being my skeptical self, this brings up concern. Why is he suddenly getting home earlier than me? The one conclusion I can come to, is that he lost his job, and is lying about going to it every morning. The main reason I think this, is because when he started, he told us his boss is rather strict about timing. Even if there was nothing to do, he couldn’t leave early…no matter what. Now all of a sudden, he is either leaving early against his boss’s rules, or he no longer has a job and is operating some absurd scheme to make us all believe he still has a job. This my friends, is simply the tip of the iceburg. All he does when he is home, is play video games and smoke weed. Whenever he is asked to do, or help with chores, he immediately starts complaining about the uneven distribution of chores between himself, my sister and I. Complaining that he always receives far more chores than the others, despite only ever being asked to take out the garbage, or go food shopping. He really isn’t ever asked to do much if anything else.

Second is my sister, who like myself, suffers from mental illness. However, her illness aside, her personality leaves much to be desired. She is at her core, incredibly selfish. She rarely does anything for the benefit of the whole family, this includes chores. She is also very, very messy. Whenever she uses something, she leaves devistation in her wake. She shares a bathroom with my brother, and to spare you the graphics, she leaves it incredibly dirty. So much so, that my brother now uses the bathroom often referred to as “my” bathroom. “My” here meaning the bathroom that I am responsible for cleaning, and the only one that I use. Though it is the main bathroom for the whole house, meaning excluding myself, everyone else can use it, including guests. Putting that aside for now, my sister and I, to my knowledge, had a halfway decent relationship. However, I suppose that was only in my mind, because of course, she values no one more than herself. She is also an avid user of marijuana like my brother. While I have no problem against weed, I myself don’t use it despite everyone else in my family does. However, the difference between her and my brother when it comes to smoking weed, is that my sister is incredibly dependent on it. I wouldn’t say addicted, as marijuana is not an addictive substance. However, you can become mentally dependent on it, which she has. She has even stolen weed from my brother and my mother, and stole money from my mother to feed this habit of hers. Now, I said that in my mind we had a pretty good relationship, but I unfortunately was mistaken. The backstory here is that my mother takes opioid pain medications daily, as prescribed by her doctor. For the past few years, every now and again, some of her medication would go missing. I know I am not the culprit as I avoid opioids like the plague, refusing them even when I am in so much pain that I am unable to function. My mother has offered me one pill of her medication when I am in that indescribable pain, and I decline, every time, without exception. Because I know that the way I am, I am solely driven by pleasure, and if I ever take a opioid, I will inevitably abuse it. However, back to the story at hand, so a pill or two go missing every so often, and since it’s not me, it’s my brother or sister. Seeing as how my brother is content with his weed, and doesn’t really delve into any other substances, this leaves only my sister. Given her selfishness, and her (similar to mine) pleasure driven personality, it seems almost positive that she is responsible for the missing pills. Yet, if you were to ask her, not only will she deny it, but she will become incredibly enraged that you suspect her in the first place. To top it all off, I recently learned that she is almost positive, no, completely certain, that I am taking the pills (I suspect because of my history with a certain sleeping medicine). Now, as I’ve explained, I am without a doubt NOT responsible for the missing pills, so I am really unsure of how she came to her conclusion. Needless to say, I am not only shocked, but also quite hurt that she is trying to pin the blame on me. Like I’ve said, I though our relationship was in a pretty good place, but obviously it is not.

Thirdly, my mother has requested that I stop talking about her in these posts, as I imagine she wasn’t too keen on my previous mentions of her. So to respect her wishes, I will refrain from going into detail about her. However, as you can more or less imagine from the current predicaments of my siblings, and the past of my mother’s, my family is more or less falling apart at the seams. I am excluding my father, because he and I finally had a serious heart to heart a while ago, and all it did was prove to me that he is incapable of empathy (probably where my siblings get it from). That being said, I not only explained my true feelings towards him, but also discounted him as my father. Therefore, to me, he is nothing more than an aquaintance, there is neither hate nor love towards him anymore. If he eventually realizes his mistakes, and tries to change, I may very well welcome him back in my life. Though until then, I don’t plan on having much interactions with him. So that is why I am exluding my father when I talk about my family.

Needless to say, all of this drama in my family, and my still persistently declining mental state, things have been a tad rough for a while now. I don’t plan on running back to ECT for a maintenance treatment, because I still believe that this depression I am experiencing now, differs drastically from the kind that I had been experiencing for almost 2 decades. As I explained in the beginning, this depression is rather obviously rooted in stress, and my current inability to change those stressors. However, I am trying my best to set short term goals in order to give myself some form of encouragement. And to be honest, so far it works rather well, the problem has been not only setting these goals, but following through with them. I also ultimately have my long term goal of returning to school next fall, so there is always that in my future. While I can’t say that this depression is any easier than my previous depressions, I do feel that I am better “equipped” to deal with this depression than I was before the ECT.

Ultimately, the key here is perseverance, as it is with most things. Using that rather human characteristic of continuously failing in order to one day succeed. Using every failure as not a weight dragging you down, but a stepping stone building you up. For every failure that you experience in life, you not only get a little bit tougher, but you also get that much closer to success. That’s how I believe it to be anyways. While the going is certainly been tough the past two months, I am without a doubt, never going to give up again. So long as I perservere, there is nothing (well almost nothing) that I cannot achieve. So my main advice I wanted to offer in this post, is about giving yourself “rewards” of some kind, an incentive if you will. Something that makes setting and striving towards goals actually worth it. Something that, even if you fail, the reward when you finally succeed is invaluable. I know that it seems hard, and to be honest, it seems that way because it is that way, especially for people in the depths of depression. However, if you do it correctly, it’ll all balance out in the end.

From my mind to yours, Alan Wolfgang, signing off.

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