This is not something that I often talk about. I usually bury the hurt so deep that I can’t even find it, and it usually explodes on somebody random for no reason at all. If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you know that my memory isn’t so great right now (to say the least) but I will try to paint a picture for you. My father, he never was a great man. My mother made the family’s income, while my father did whatever job he could find, and most of the housework/yard work. My father is over 10 years older than my mom, and yet he busted his ass in low level, crap pay jobs and then cooked dinner and did most of the chores. He did this happily, because he knew his role in the family was not providing financially, but any way that he could. If I had memories of my childhood, they would be pleasant ones (my memory sucked even before ECT) and I was close with my father, I was and still am his favorite child. I grew up with him in my life for almost 20 years, but when I was about 20, he left our family, divorced my mom, and moved away. The worst part of it, the part that hurts the most, is that he left while I was at college. Nobody in my family, him included, had the courage to tell me that he was leaving. I found out by coming home for holiday, noticing he is not there, and wondering where he went. It was only days later that I found out that he had moved out. Honestly, I feel that I am partially the reason for my parent’s divorce. I know that every child feels that way, but hear me out…I tried to kill myself in 2011, was hospitalized and pushed into various treatments. I feel like the energy it took to take care of me, a grown ass 17-year old, took the “life” from my parent’s marriage. Now I don’t mean to toot my own horn here, and I don’t mean to get off topic too much, but I was a really bright kid, had a lot going for me, and it all went down the drain because I tried to kill myself. I didn’t even really come to terms with being depressed for several years. Like HELLO!!! You took a whole bottle and a half of sleeping pills! But I digress, back to my father. So he left, and I didn’t even know about it for about a month (after it happened). I was destroyed, and almost instantly started hating my father. He abandoned us, his children. I don’t care what the relationship was like between him and my mother, your kids are more important than anything, even yourself (I don’t have kids…yet, but that’s how I feel). So for him to prioritize his own happiness over his children’s messed me up. To this day, I only feel resentment towards him. I’ve even said, to my mother and my therapist, that I would openly stab him in the throat. I know, not pleasant, and very unlike me. Yet, those are the only emotions that he can drag out of me. I only told this to my mother because I was already angry, and I lose most self control when I get angry. I told this to my therapist, because she and I have developed a very close understanding. However, I have yet to express any of this anger or resentment to my father. I act as if all is sunshine and rainbows. Which honestly makes me even angrier. Don’t get me wrong, I value family very little, but I was raised to alway respect your parents. No matter what. And that’s what I do, I show him the respect that he was to selfish to show me. I am being the bigger person here (in my twisted way of thinking). I love my mother, because despite all that she has been through, she still puts her kids first. I see my father maybe 6 times a year, if I’m lucky! So all of that has been spewed from my mind, into this post. Hopefully you can’t relate, because honestly I would prefer that people not have to go through what I did with my father. I also acknowledge that some people have had it worse than me, I’m not denying that I had a great 20 years with him. But I figure it’s about time that I wrap this up, so from my mind to yours, this is Alan Wolfgang, signing off.