One of the movie lines that lives in my head rent free is spoken by Davey Jones in the second Pirates of the Caribbean. Spoken to a nameless captive of a sinking ship; “ Do you fear…death? Do you fear that dark abyss? All your deeds laid bare, all your sins punished? ” It is a rather chilling, quick monologue in the film, and as I’ve said, lives rent free in my head. It is a rather simple question that I often ask myself. Do I fear death? If I were speaking honestly, no, I do not fear death. Though, an important distinction here, is that I do fear dying. But, isn’t that the same thing? Not in my mind, no it isn’t. I do not fear death itself, as death is simply a part of life. Every thing that has ever lived, or will ever live, will ultimately die. That is, as of now, an undisputed fact. Death comes for all, you can fight it, you can run and hide from it, but it will always find you. So, what is there to be afraid of, from something that is inescapable? It is a bit of a convoluted viewpoint, that I understand. I also understand that most people reading this probably think I’m just speaking out of my rectum. That it is an easy thing to say, but when come face to face with the end, I’ll definitely be singing a different tune. Sure, can’t disagree with that, I cannot see the future. I cannot tell you what my final moments will be like, I can only speak for now.

However, I will stand by my claim that I do not fear death. As I’ve said, it is inevitable, it is something we all must do regardless of who or what we are. It is in fact, the dying part that I am deeply afraid of. Because although death comes for everyone, it does not come equally. For some, it comes quick and painless, for others slow and painful. Some get decades on this earth, while others are only given minutes. Few can spend fortunes prolonging their lives, holding back the tides, while others are resigned to accepting their fate. It is this inequality that I fear, as with my recent diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis, I am far more likely to get the “slow and painful” variety. I’ve mentioned it recently when talking about this diagnosis, that the one thing I have always prayed for, is a swift and painless death. Now, even that may very well be beyond my grasp. The news in itself was rather shattering to me, but the realization that an end, made of my worst nightmares may be in store for me, was far worse. Again, I cannot see the future, I cannot be certain I am one of the MS patients that will slowly and painfully meet their end. I hear stories from those I’ve shared my diagnosis with, of friends or family that have lived for decades with this disease, and are still hearty as can be. While this disease is most certainly a death sentence in its own right, again death comes for us in different capacities.

I can understand why people fear death, and why I do not. I believe it comes down to how we live our lives. What we have worth living for. For some that may be material goods, it may be experiencing everything life has to offer, it might be the people in our lives. What we do with our one life makes life worth living. For me, I have no such things. I have a single tether to this life, which is more than some to be honest. But my tether is a person, and like me, that person will ultimately die as well. And when they do, that tether is severed. I’ve spent the past several years dealing with my depression rearing it’s ugly head back into my life, and made a point of seeking out more reasons to live. Unfortunately I have yet to find any, and am left with my single tether to this mortal coil. My diagnosis did shake things up, quite a bit, and there is far more I have to think about these days. But I would like to believe that it has also given me a bit of…maybe strength isn’t the right word…perspective maybe? To explain, I’ve always known I would die, I’ve also figured my luck would not save me from a painful and miserable end. But to actually have that all but confirmed, was freeing in a way I suppose. I used to be very concerned about the opinions of others. How they viewed me, and how they interacted with me. Now, not so much. To be honest, it feels a bit indecent when I think about it, but I think the reason is because I now have a universal excuse for my actions that most people don’t have the guts to rebuke. “I am dying” is a very powerful, manipulative phrase, that for most people will just kind of short circuit their brains and disarm the situation. That being said, I don’t plan to suddenly become some jerk who does whatever he wants and use this as a proverbial “get out of jail free” card, but I also acknowledge that it is truly just that. With that, I feel a bit liberated, in that I don’t much care what others think about me anymore. I mean, I should be living my life as I see fit, for as much longer as I am able. Again, I don’t think that this will suddenly lead me down a rotten and remorseless path, and I don’t believe myself to be that type of person.

I’ve gotten a bit off topic, so I’ll try to reel things in and wrap them up. In my very unprofessional opinion, death itself is not to be feared. Whether or not you believe in an afterlife, are religious or not, you will die, simple as that. You can run, you can hide, you can fight, it will find you, and you will die, no which way about it. It is the process that proceeds death that is to be feared. I don’t much care for pain, there are people who like it, no judgement, but it’s not for me. I am positive that the remainder of my life, and the process of my death will be filled to the brim with pain and suffering of both the physical and mental varieties. However, I know that I will also experience joy, pleasures, and happiness in my life, definetly not at the same rate as the pain and suffering, but it isn’t all bad in store for me, that I know. Ultimately, when my time comes, as it comes for us all, I can’t say how I’ll accept it, but accept it I must. I just hope that I will have had a life worth living. Would I do it again? Hell no! But, I do hope that by the time I reach my finish line, I can look back, and say that it was worth trying once, and just move on to whatever is next, even if that whatever is actually nothing.