It is a strange experience, sitting with a friend you have known for years, reminiscing about the past. Only for them to bring up a specific event, for you to not remember anything about it. It happens to me quite regularly these days, and has been happening for some time. “You remember that time we…” no, I do not. For the other person, the memory is clear as day, but for me, it is like it never happened. Who’s truth is the real one? Did this thing actually happen, does that person I don’t recall actually exist? These thoughts used to fill my head when I couldn’t remember a memory that was apparently a rather large event in my life, being retold to me by someone who supposedly shares said memory. It was unsettling to say the least, and a bit shameful to be honest. Having someone I care about deeply try to bring up memories of the past, just for that enthusiasm to be smashed to bits by my inability to recall anything about it. I’ve since gotten used to the feeling, my friends and family, while accepting of my condition, still have a bit of difficulty believing that something so vital to them and should be to me, does not exist in my memories. I sometimes get bits and pieces that remain, and am able to dangle along as if I remember it perfectly, while using the convorsation to fill in the blanks. Other times, there is just a void. No information at all remains in my brain about whatever past event or person I used to know.

I used to think that this was a result of my ECT treatments, or maybe my multiple concussions as a teen, or even just my depression sapping away my memories. Hell, it could be some devilish combination of all of them, or it could even be the result of my newest monster, MS. I don’t know the cause, not even sure I care about it all that much. What I do know, is that these lost memories are gone, they will more than likely never come back. I may continue to lose more, I might not even be able to make new ones. There are quite a number of uncertainties with regards to my memory. Though, if my short amount of life lived thus far has taught me anything, it is that I have the worst luck. I could wax poetic about how life is inherently cruel, and just sprinkled with good and beauty, but I’ll spare you that. The only thing I can do, is continue to march forwards. I know there are memories I’ve lost, I know there will be memories I won’t be able to hold on to, I will just have to accept this fact, and keep living my life as best I can. I tend to like simple answers to things, but I would like to emphasize that simple and easy are not the same thing. For example, if you believe you are too heavy, the simple answer is just lose the weight. Though, as you may imagine, this is not an easy task, and will take not only dedication but some serious effort and perseverance. Just because the answer to a question is obvious, does not make it an easy thing to do. Nonetheless, I like to think what I have to do is a simple thing, but will certainly be difficult. Then again, when is life, my life in particular, ever easy. I suppose that the struggle is just a given part of life itself. Life has fought and struggled ever since the beginning of time. It is a wild thing to think about, that you just reading this, is the result of millions and millions of years of a struggle to survive. It wouldn’t be much of a stretch to say that we aren’t much different from the first pangs of life on this planet. Sure things are much more complex these days with all the systems we “intellegent” life forms have created, but it is still and always will be a struggle to survive.

So honestly, what difference does a few missing memories make? Depends on who you ask actually, but for me, it does not halt the ever forward march of time. So I will do what I’ve always done, hope for the best, but plan for the worst. One foot infront of the other, until I step foot into the grave. That’s all I really can ever do, just have to learn to enjoy the steps along the way.