Hi all. Yes, I know…it has been a while. A long while. Just about 10 months since I’ve written anything. I also haven’t been very active on any of my social media. I know what you’re thinking. That I will just profusely apologize and promise to do better. While yes, that is what I would normally do after such a long “hiatus”, this time I don’t think it would suffice. Nor do I feel that it is something that is easily placated by a sincere apology and some false promises. If you’ve known me for any amount of time, you know that I try my best to write unfiltered and completely honest stories and thoughts about my existance with depression and anxiety. This is where I could spout some pretty, flowery BS about how I did this or that or something happened and I couldn’t write. No, I have no excuses. While I am sorry that I may have left some of you without my articles to turn to in a time of need, as I’ve said, an apology just won’t cut it. And no, I’m not being hypercritical of myself, I’m just looking at it from my readers’ point of view. I disappeared, vanished off the face of the internet for 10 months, and it’s not like this is the first time I’ve done it either. Though I wouldn’t say that I’ve failed as a writer, it’s just that the creativity in me had gone into hibernation. I was left trying to write relatable, timely articles, and struggling to force words onto paper. So I just gave up, not saying that it’s a bad thing, but that’s what I did. I just said that I couldn’t come up with any ideas to write, and I couldn’t provide regular pieces, so I just won’t write anything. I would rather nothing, than something I’m not happy with.

With that out of the way, you may be wondering to yourself a few things. Where did I go? What was I doing? Why come back now? Who the heck is this guy? To answer all of your questions in one fell swoop, I would say that I was working to improve my financial stability. If you know me, you probably could tell I am in a mountain of debt, and while I am not free of this debt yet, I have been able to significantly lighten the load. I was so singularly focused on this, that I really did nothing else. I went to work, got home, went to bed, got paid, and paid my bills. To anyone who reads that without context, it seems pretty normal, run of the mill if you would. However, to those of you who had that little lightbulb flicker in the back of your mind, it sounds an awful lot like depression. No hobbies, no entertainment, no pleasure, just work, food, sleep and bills. And yes, you’re not wrong, these past 10 months have certainly been challenging, while not really what I would consider a depressive episode, they definetly weren’t enjoyable. Though as my therapist always tells me, and I mean always…every visit, that regular life pretty much sucks anyways. You have your ups and downs, but the rest, the stuff in between that, is pretty humdrum, gray, not awful, but not eventful either. It took me a while to realize this, because I was so used to deep depression, that my “new normal” felt euphoric, until I got use to it, and it wasn’t anymore, it just was…normal, not good, not bad, just existing. Normal is such a strange feeling, that we fear things outside it, and find comfort within it, but when that normal changes, it can be pretty challenging to get used to.

So, not only was I “nose to the grindstone” as my mother would say in regards to my finances, I was still adjusting to what being normal felt like, in relation to my depression, the euphoric effect of overcoming my depression, and the fear of returning to my old normal, while settling into my new normal. I know that it may sound confusing, and believe me, it is, but I’ve just come to realize that that’s what life is. It’s kind of like being in a boat in the middle of the ocean, where you can only paddle once per day. You can move forwards, backwards, or change direction, but for the most part, you go where the current takes you. Of course you can fight this and go your own way, and you can do wondrous things by doing so. But for someone like me, whose simple existance was pain and suffering, I find it easier to “go with the flow” and make adjustments based on where my life takes me. It is quite a comfortable lifestyle, but can also be rather dangerous, so I find it best (for me) to split my life pretty evenly between a hands on and hands off approach. This way I still have a decent amount of control over what happens in my life, but I am still able to recognize things that are out of my control, and be content with that fact. It’s funny, there are a lot of parallels between the serenity prayer of various addiction groups, and my new idiology. Whilst I still don’t necessarily believe in god, at least the ones described by religion, I do think that there are just some things that you just let run their course. There are many things in each person’s life that they can control, and many things they can’t. Knowing which is which, and accepting each’s place is a very large part of keeping yourself at peace, hence why the serenity prayer is a cornerstone of addiction therapy. To be, not even happy, but content with life, not worrying so much about things you’ve done, that you cannot change ever, and focusing more on where you want to go from where you are now, is a huge part in my recovery. Of course I can’t say that I’ll never be depressed ever again in my whole life as much as I can’t say I’ll ever be happy again either. We like to think that we can control our emotions, but the truth is, it’s like the boat in the open ocean. You can try all you like to force your emotions to do what you want, but it’s much healthier to just let them go where they want, and practice some self control where and when you can.

For those of you who know me, and for those who don’t. I won’t say that I’m back, and that I’ll be writing more often, because it’s not true. I will say though, I will start writing again when my heart feels like it, when I have the raw thoughts and emotion to put to the page. I won’t force myself to follow a schedule, nor will I stop writing all together. I’m just going to see where things go from here, and see where this current takes me. So if you’d like to join me on this journey, I will gladly welcome it. With love, Alan