It’s funny, when people say that they have nothing to lose, it’s usually in a negative context, but I see it differently. If you know about me and my mental health, well…it was shit. I mean, when I left my job in January, I was at rock bottom. I was sucidal almost constantly. I really hope that none of you know what that feels like, but if you do, you know that it is so draining. You have to constantly fight your own mind, just to make it through the day. I luckily had my mother to rely on during that time, otherwise I would have lost everything in my life.

Y’know what though? When you lose almost everything in your life, it lets you focus on yourself. I know that sounds scary, and it is. I had all the time in the world, and it was all spent in my own head. I know that all of you know that spending time in your head is not pleasant to say the least. It was this introspection that allowed me to realize that I had nothing to lose, because I had nothing. You’ve probably heard it before, but when you have nothing to lose, you have everything to gain. That’s one way, the right way, that your thoughts can go. Luckily, like I said, I had my mother, who has always been my biggest supporter. The other way, that’s not so great, is if you have nothing to lose, then life isn’t worth living. But I had spent enough time being suicidal, that I was able to just say “F*ck it” I had nothing but time, so I decided to pour it all into my mental health. This is when I started researching more aggressive treatments for treatment resistant depression. That’s when I remembered ECT from when I was hospitalized the second time. If you didn’t read my ECT post, you should, offers a lot of insight (Why Choose ECT) Well, to summarize, a fellow patient was receiving her second round of ECT treatment. She talked about how it gave her almost 10 years of freedom from depression. At the time, I thought it was too extreme of a treatment. It was only when I was close to losing everything, that I considered giving it a chance. Because to reiterate, I had nothing to lose, so I was like what the hell, why not? I am glad that I made that choice, because it worked! I am recovering from depression, and working on my anxiety. I feel like life is worth living again. It was only when I felt most trapped, that I finally saw the light. I’m a little upset that I didn’t try this earlier, but it is what it is. Can’t go back and change it, don’t know if I even would honestly. I’m a firm believer in that everything happens for a reason. Some, we can’t ever understand, so I’ve given up trying. The way I think about it is, if my life didn’t happen the way it did, I wouldn’t be where or who I am now. I can honestly say, for the first time in my life, things are looking up for me. I actually just turned 25 today, or yesterday (the 31st)…a quarter of a century is what it took for me to actually value life.

So what I want you to take from this article, is that when you feel like you have nothing left, when you’re at the end of your rope, is when you have the most opportunity to improve. I mean even if you suck at something, it means you can only get better. It’s honestly probably something from my CBT therapies, maybe re-framing? It’s taking the thought in your head, and looking at it a different way. Everything has more than one perspective. So take your negative thought, and look at it a different way. I’m not saying make it positive, because that’s way harder, and may not even work. Just try it, it worked for me, so maybe it might help you. If something doesn’t work, try another, just never give up, always keep fighting. It’s basic chance at that point, eventually things will get better. The harder you try, the more the chance. The one thing I can say with certainty is that if you only focus on what you’ve lost, then you’ll never notice the chances you have to gain. Just saying…from my mind to yours, Alan Wolfgang, signing off.