So the last article I wrote, Flag of Hatred, made me do some introspection. Which by the way, is something that I think all mental illness sufferers should do regularly. Also by the way, if you don’t know what introspection means, basically I took a long hard look at myself in the mirror. Of course the first thing I thought was, “Damn, you handsome devil.” The second thing, was about my father. Just in case you didn’t read , Flag of Hatred, I talked about how the emotion of hatred is a very detrimental one, even before adding it to mental illness. So, I went to breakfast/brunch with my mother this morning, which usually is the highlight of my weekend. And we talked over brunch, as we usually do. As usual, especially recently, my blog came up. As my mother doesn’t have as much time as she’d like to read through it, I usually update her with a summary of my latest article. This recent one, about hate, brought my feelings towards my father up. My mother agrees that hatred is a very draining emotion, and can often add to the mental “weight” on our shoulders. So, to catch you up to speed, I don’t really care for my father. Actually, if we are being honest, I despise him. Yet, he doesn’t know this. If you want the whole story, I recommend also reading, My Relationship With My Father. Something you may or may not notice, is that I no longer call him my dad, I always refer to him as my father. Why you ask? To simplify my complex thought process, dad is a term of endearment, and needs to be not only earned, but also needs to be lived up to. My father lost that right when he abandoned my family for his own happiness.

Which, if we are being honest, I don’t blame him. I want, so desperately to say that he is clearly in the wrong…but I can’t, because it’s not true. Love is a very complex emotion, so complex, scientists barely understand it. It can often make a horrible situation seem not so bad. Granted, my mother is certainly rough around the edges, and has her days where she gets on my nerves. So basically what I am saying, is that I can understand him wanting to leave, to be happy. I mean, that’s what we all want isn’t it? So, a couple weeks ago, after listening to a podcast that I can’t remember, I was tossing around the idea of forgiving him. I decided that I would forgive him, not because I am no longer angry, but because I needed to clear out that negative energy to proceed on my path to recovery. Funny enough, the very next morning I was back to hating his guts. Don’t know what happened. I think I didn’t give myself enough time to let go of the anger, went to bed, and woke up angry again.

But back to today, I realized something as I was driving my mother home, talking about hatred. I don’t owe my father a single damn thing. Yet, I spend such enormous amounts of time, energy, and thought on him. I was 100% right the first time around. I need to forgive him, so that I can move forwards in my life. Eventually, he’ll be dead, and I can spit on his grave. Until then, he isn’t worth all that energy.

So, long story short. If you have a hatred embedded in your heart, it might be time to let it go. Hatred is one of the only emotions that has no positive effects on the human body/psyche. None, zero. Yet, there are so many people carrying this emotion with them. I’m not saying it’s easy to forgive someone, because it’s not. Well, nothing in life is easy, but forgiveness is one of the harder ones. But I can attest that once you can forgive someone who has wronged you, it’s almost like this weight is lifted off your shoulders. Because honestly, indifference is not only more hurtful, but much less draining than hatred. So just don’t care about the person at all. Spend no time, no energy, no thoughts on them. Move forward in your life, pursue your own happiness, and don’t hate. It’s just not worth it. From my mind to yours, Alan Wolfgang, signing off