Here I am, laying in bed, typing what my life has been like since I lost my depression. I say lost, because while I had willingly signed up for ECT treatment, and I am glad that it worked, Depression was like a friend to me. I’ve lived over 20 years being depressed, regardless of how my life was going, my depression was there. Now, I’m not saying that life with depression feels good, nor am I saying that I would willingly go back to depression. The more I think about it, Depression was like an abusive spouse. You don’t know why you stay with them, but you do, for whatever your reason may be. However, depression will continue to steal from you, your happiness, your friends, your time, your energy, your whole life if you let it. I was at the point where depression was beginning to consume my life. I was seeing a therapist every week, still am, taking medications, still am, my friends knew that I struggled with depression, yet they stuck around. Depression was, to me, laying in bed all day, not doing anything, my hygiene was awful, chores didn’t get done, etc. I was slowly accepting that this was how my life would be forever. When I realized that I was going down that path, I immediately began looking into my “last resort” treatments. ECT, magnetic brain stimulation, surgery, implants, anything that I could do to stop my depression in its’ tracks.

Luckily for me, ECT worked fabulously. I tote on this blog that I am 99.9% cured of my depression after receiving treatment. Now, while I certainly am greatful to ECT for allowing me to live life without my depression, I am by no means promoting it. It is a very involved, several month long process, and should definitely not be your first go to at eliminating your illness. Obviously meds should come first, and hand in hand with therapy, many people find relief. I view it very similarly to a physical condition. You take meds for blood pressure regulation, why wouldn’t you for a chemical imbalance in your brain. Yet for me, meds and therapy didn’t work. I had to go to what I consider to be extreme lengths in order to defeat my depression.

However, my journey with depression is far from over. While ECT has given me control of my life back, I still have to change my old habits and thought processes. That’s where the .1% that I am not cured comes in. When things go wrong in my life, I still go to cigarettes, alcohol and suicide as solutions. While I’m no longer actively having suicidal thoughts, my brain still goes that direction when my life gets hard. It’s like a train that has been on the same route and tracks for 20 years. Now I have to lay new tracks in order for it to go the direction I want it to. This is by no means an easy task. Just because I no longer see myself as depressed, doesn’t mean that everything is suddenly sunshine and rainbows. Parts of life still suck, I am still working on my hygiene, trying to deal with pent up anger and resentment. Although, the hardest part for me has been forgiveness. Not only forgiving those who have wronged me, but forgiving myself. No longer seeing myself as a failure, or a screw up. Therapy and meds will keep my depression at bay while I retrain my brain to not rely on its old ways.

So for those of you out there who think that without your illness, life would be great. I hate to tell you, but you’re wrong. Beating an illness, physical or mental, requires a whole lot of work, determination, and resolve. I’ll tell you what though, the journey is actually worth it, and it’s enjoyable. From my mind straight to yours, this is Alan Wolfgang, signing off.