Do you believe yourself to be a kind person? Personally, I don’t see myself as such. There was a time in my life where I used my kindness as a thing to be traded. That it was another piece on the board game of life. To be used to achieve my goals, barter with others to get what I wanted. I am not proud of that part of me, my life. Though I have since come to realize that kindness in that form is not kindness at all. Being kind to someone as a bargaining chip, kind of voids the entire point behind kindness in the first place. I have to actively fight my inclination to view the world this way. I should be kind, for the sake of kindness, not to bend another to my will, to manipulate feelings to get someone on my side. I don’t like this aspect of myself, and I am ashamed that I was even like this to begin with. These days, I try my utmost to simply be kind as a default. You never know what is going on in another person’s life, in their head, or even how their day is going. Yet, a simple act of genuine kindness can change a person’s entire life. Though that is incredibly rare, it most certainly makes that person’s world a better place if but for a moment.

I have someone in my family, that acts the same way I did those years ago. I was lucky to realize the error of my ways and make an active effort to change myself. Though this person that I speak of has no such thoughts. They believe that the world is theirs for the taking. That there is no rule they cannot break, no line they cannot cross, no tactic they will not use to get what they want, when they want it. They cause boundless and needless suffering to everyone around them in the pursuit of their own wants. They will often use kindness as a barter, unknowingly to the recipient, that then owes them a favor. “Well I cooked dinner for you, so you should do anything I ask.” Their mental gymnastics astound even me, who acted in the same vein just years prior. I am by no means a good person, there is no one on this earth that hates me more than myself, and yet, this person continues to act in such a manner that even I look like a saint compared to them.

What even is the essence of kindness? Why are are living things even capable of such acts when they often diminish our own efforts towards survival? I would like to say because kindness is a basic state of being, it is only certain people that warp it into something awful or outstanding. There is no reason to go out of your way to be kind to someone else. You don’t have to sell everything you own, and begin a selfless journey helping the world. You can simply pick up a dropped item, hold a door open, stand out of the way for someone to pass, or even just smile. There are countless, effortless ways to be kind, and in my opinion, must be offered without any strings attached, no price to be repaid. Of course, when you actually put in the effort to be kind, do go out of your way, invest time, effort or even money to be kind, this is something worth applauding. However, this still should be done from a place that does not want anything in return. I strive to be able to achieve that one day. To want to help others without expecting compensation. I want to make the world a better place, even for just one person. Though, I seem to lack something in that regard, something I’m not even sure what it is. I try, and I try, to be kind, not in overly grand gestures, but in small, meaningful instances.

I am a terrible human being, but even I can strive towards being better. It is through these small acts of genuine kindness that I feel I might be able to do so. Even that feeling in itself though, betrays the acts of kindness, as I do so in an effort to better myself. Maybe I’m being to critical, and harsh towards myself, I can acknowledge that. I no longer have any grandiose expectations for my life. I will not leave my mark on history, I will not be remembered for any actions of grandeur, I will live and die an unknown nobody, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still have not entirely given up on this notion though, I’ve just managed my expectations and shrank the scale at which I want to leave my mark on this world. By even improving a single person’s life if just for a second, I feel like I have accomplished my goal. I cannot say that my intentions are pure, I doubt they will ever be, but I will continue to be kind to others. I will continue to try to be the person I want to be, and not hide from my past self, but use it as a lesson to avoid becoming like my family member. Granted, the skills I learned during that time of my life are still useful when dealing with difficult people. I cannot promise that I won’t use them when things get rough. Though, I believe we all can strive to spread just a little more kindness into the world. Without expectations, with no reservations, just for the simple act of kindness itself. So hold that door for the burly biker dude, pick up that newspaper the old lady dropped, stop and chat a while with the weird guy who is overly social at your local supermarket. Small gestures can really change someone’s current situation, and it may even change their life.

There is a strange but common notion when it comes to the science fiction topic of traveling back in time. That even the smallest of changes in the past, can drastically alter the present. Though, there seems to be a disconnect when that same logic is applied to the future. The smallest changes in the present, can drastically alter the future. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift, that’s why it’s called the present. So look not at what you would do differently in the past to make today better, but do differently today what could make tomorrow better. For yourself, for others, for whatever reason. Just be sure that the kindness you spread, is done so in a manner that your future self can look back on in a pleasant light.