Now, I can imagine that you might be a bit baffled with the headline you just read, but give me a few minutes of your time to explain myself.

To begin, around the start of March 2024, I lost sight in my right eye. It wasn’t sudden, and it isn’t completely blind either. Actually there is hope that I will regain my sight, and a slight chance that I won’t. It’s almost like there is a cloud, or a dense fog in the room when I look through my right eye. Long story short, there is nothing wrong with the eye itself, it is the optic nerve that is swollen, a condition called Optic Neuritis. Also turns out that this is a common first symptom of MS, which is what led me to the hospital, which in turn led me to a MRI, leading to my diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. The Optic Neuritis is not in itself a clear indication of MS, it was actually the plaques of demyelinated white matter discovered in my MRI. So, I am by no means saying that if you experience the same vision loss I have, that you should go running to a MS doctor, though you should definetly get the eye checked out by a doctor.

Anyways, back to the main topic, in the weeks following my vision loss, I was advised to wear an eye patch over the right eye. As using both eyes led to dizziness and not reliable vision in general. So, when I say that there is a bright side to discrimination, it has to do with whether your illness is visible or not. Now, this is a pretty well known, if not often spoke about concept. I am not providing any earth shattering information here, but rather giving some insight with my newly acquired experience of such a phenomenon. Simply put, the visible illness or injury often gets treated more favorably than those that aren’t. A homeless vet with a missing limb would probably get more panhandling than a vet with only PTSD. Gross example, I know, but sorry to say that I’m probably right. Ever since I began to wear the eye patch, people have been a lot, and I mean a lot nicer to me. Holding doors, asking if I need help doing or looking for something, in general paying more attention to me. Minor things sure, but definetly noticeable to someone like me, who often avoids these minor social interactions. When it was just me and my terrible old buddy Depression, I didn’t really get any sort of special treatment like I do now with just an eye patch. It’s a funny thing the more I think about it, because people don’t even know why I’m wearing an eye patch, I could be doing it for laughs for all they know. Yet, they still seemingly go out of their way to be nicer to me. When, a year ago I could’ve gone to a hardware store and bought just rope and a stool and I probably wouldn’t have gotten a second look. It is a strange thing, and the thing’s name is pity. Personally I don’t really like pity, and it is the reason several people close to me still don’t know about my MS diagnosis. When someone knows that you have a illness, their attitude towards you will shift. When that person is a total stranger, they won’t know anything unless you tell them (which is weird to do in my opinion) or they can see the symptoms or damage. So, when someone sees that you are, for example, in a wheelchair, their empathy kicks in, and they often go out of their way to be more pleasant towards you. I mean, that is a generalization, and that really only applies to decent people, but I think my point still stands.

Like I said, it is something everyone silently acknowledges. You see someone with a cast on their foot and crutches under their arms reaching for something on the top shelf, and a decent person will either offer to get it for them, or just simply get it for them. I think there are 3 reasons that people do this. First being plain jane pity. They feel bad for the person their looking at, so they try to help them. Second, empathy. They can imagine themselves in the situation of the person in front of them, and would appreciate being helped by a stranger, so they’ll be that helpful stranger for the person who is actually in front of them. Third, and probably the only bad one, is personal satisfaction. I say “bad one” but it isn’t really, it’s just the selfish reason to help another person. You do it because it makes you feel good, not to help the other person feel good. The help the person receives is just a lucky byproduct of you making your endorphins go off like fireworks. You can go to bed tonight telling yourself you’re a good person because you helped someone in need today. I personally only prefer the empathy option. I know what it is like to suffer, so I would like to prevent others from feeling that way. I don’t like pity, and if it wasn’t obvious enough, I really don’t like satisfaction based kindness.

However, pity, in itself is something that can be easily manipulated. I want to preface this with: “Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.” I unfortunately have quite a skill for manipulation. Don’t know or care how I picked it up, or even why or how I refined it, but I am quite good at it. Particular words, even though they mean essentially the same thing, evoke different emotions. Some details can be omitted or focused on to try and take a conversation in a certain direction. You can use the emotions and emotional responses of other people for your own benefit. Though I’ll say it again: “JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD” I try to live my life contemplating this phrase. I don’t like manipulating other people, I just happen to be good at it. So more often that not, I use it more in defence of being manipulated by those around me, easily recognizing the same tricks I know. Granted, I’ve caught myself appealing to people’s emotional weak points to try and get a point across, and I’ll often have to change the subject, double down, or try and talk my way towards a less harmful approach. I try and remain aware of the things I say and the way I say them, as not to get myself into any sticky situations. Generally blunting my tongue despite wanting to tear into someone, refusing support despite wanting to leech off it, things like that.

Simply by having something wrong with you that is visible, suddenly draws more sympathy from people, than something that is invisible. Like I’ve mentioned, a pretty obvious observation, but not something many people will acknowledge or say out loud. It is because of this, that the pity, or empathy people give you because of a visible problem, can be used for your own benefit and exploited. I don’t recommend this, I really dislike people who do this, but I am guilty of it, I have recognized that fact, vowed to change, made conscious efforts, and have actually made significant progress with this. Though, if you boil this down to its base facts, you are being discriminated against because of a visible illness or problem. Albeit, this is a positive result of you being perceived to be different or not “normal”.

I’ve made this point, and written this long article, and rambled on and on, because I am honestly a bit upset about it all. I have lived for years with debilitating depression and near constant sucidal thoughts, but was perceived as high functioning because I maintained a job and some social connections. You couldn’t tell from the outside looking in that I was in unbelievable agony, and as such, was treated as a normal individual. I suddenly put on an eye patch, and everybody is roses and daisies around me. By simply having a problem that is visible, I receive better treatment? I both hate and appreciate that fact. You don’t look a gift horse in the mouth as they say, but I never asked for or wanted a horse in the first place!