You know those days, the ones where everything seems like it’s flying off the rails. Where the smallest things can make you flip out, or bawl your eyes out, or just sit there trying to keep your psyche from falling apart. Yeah, the days that you’d rather forget exist, or make you want to stop existing yourself. I’ve had many of those days, and I imagine many of you have also had more days like that then we’d like to admit. You’re already feeling down, and life just sucker punches you, kicks you in the gut, and spits in your face. The oh so lovely days where you want nothing else but to end yourself.

As everyone knows, life is a series of ups and downs, peaks and valleys. That’s just how it is, nobody has a perfect life where they’re always happy. It’s just not possible. But for those of us that have a bit of mental illness sprinkled in our brain, or those of us where the cap fell off and dumped some extra mental illness into our brain, these ups and downs can be far more extreme than a regular joe-nobody. The small things that can make a person feel a bit sad, can ruin our entire day, make us cry until we run dry, and suck out every ounce of energy in our bodies. You know what I’m talking about. Maybe you screwed up a little at work and got scolded. But when you get home you crawl under your covers, and just get stuck scrolling aimlessly through whatever social media or app you use regularly. You might not eat dinner, or do your laundry or even brush your teeth or shower that day, because well, it’s taking everything you have to keep yourself from falling to pieces. We’ve all had those days, and to be frank, they suck more than a Hoover. Worst. Experience. Ever…would not recommend.

Sometimes even the next day you can feel the weight of the day before on your back, and dragging at your ankles. You feel, and are, miserable. But you’ve got to do what you got to do, right? The most perplexing thing about what to do when experiencing “one of those days”, is what other people will recommend to you. I know they’re trying to help, but goddammit Janet, getting a tan will not cure my depression. Fueling my seasonal allergies will not make me want to kill myself any less. Sure cuddling with your pet takes the sting off. But these, “get outside and get some fresh air” people will be the end of me. First of all, we are not cookie cutter people. We are all unique and react to stimuli different than anyone else on the planet. Whilst a hike through your local forest might cheer you up, just the thought of doing so is enough to make me never want to leave my house, ever again. Yeah, running on a treadmill and lifting some heavy things over and over might get your feel good chemicals flowing, but I just get so tired that I become useless for at least 3 days. There are things that work for most, but don’t work for everyone. That differentiation is important. Because curling up with a new book by your favorite author might help my mom get through her rough days, it certainly wouldn’t help me, even less so the more she insists. I feel like these type of people have never known true despair. I know that’s rather generalizing of me, but I mean I call ‘em like I see ‘em. They’ve never sat in bed all night trying to convince themselves not to take 2 bottles of sleeping pills at once. They’ve never had those moments that they just can stop sinking into their sadness, crying uncontrollably, being inconsolable for days. I mean, maybe some people have had all these experiences. Despite what it may seem, I am in no way trying to build an “us vs them” mentality here. I’m just remarking that most people who think that sunlight and “fresh” air is the cure to all mental illness, usually have never tasted the depths of despair like those of us have. I remember writing my Suicide note through tears, because I was sorry about what I was doing, but I felt I had no other options left. That feeling you get at the literal rock bottom of life is something I wish I could forget. It is something that will haunt me long after I’ve left this world.

The moral of the story here, is that nobody really knows what’s best for you. Not even you sometimes! But I just want to tell you all, like I tell myself, that sometimes hiding in your comfy place is okay. Getting under those covers, doing your laundry some other day, pushing back that shower till tomorrow, it’s okay. You can only do so much before you need to recharge. Letting yourself off for a day, or a week, isn’t really all that big in the grand scheme of things, is it. Go to your safe place, read your favorite book, watch your favorite show for the 30th time, eat your favorite foods even though they’re forbidden under your diet. Just exist, and that’s enough for today. You can always try again tomorrow. That’s why giving yourself that chance at tomorrow is the strongest tool you have against your mental illness. Taking tomorrow away by killing yourself, takes away your biggest strength. Because, yeah, today sucked, like really bad. But who knows? Tomorrow might suck a bit less. Or maybe not at all? That unpredictable nature of tomorrow, is what leaves it open to any kind of change. As the old saying goes, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why they call it the Present.” Maybe today’s the gift that you’d rather return, but tomorrow, anything can happen. That’s what keeps me going, knowing that anything and everything could change tomorrow. I’ve made it through today, and it took everything I had, but tomorrow, I’ll have a little fight back in me, and can try to make the day as I see fit. Just always remember, take your mental health days seriously. Because you need to be able to make it to tomorrow to be given another chance at life.