This is a question that I constantly ask myself. As I’m sure that most of you reading this do as well. Is what I’m doing, what I’ve done, have any value towards my life? Will all my pain and suffering be worth it in the end? Will I finally balance the karmic checkbook? When I do finally pass from this mortal coil, will I be satisfied? That may be a bit more grandiose than the day to day thoughts that we have, but you get the point. Normally it falls along the lines of, “Should I really have gotten up this morning for work?” Does it really even matter if I miss just one day? I constantly ask myself these questions while I lay there in bed, still half asleep, trying not to give in to the siren’s song from my pillow. Just wondering what I’m doing with my life. I’m sure we’ve all wondered at a point in our lives, if our life has any meaning at all. What’s the goddamn point of it? I find it rather easy to just let my mind run a marathon with these thoughts. Pulling me slowly deeper into a pit of depression, like quicksand. If I let my mind go too long unchecked, I just stop resisting all together. I just quietly sink into that pit, closing myself off from those around me, and even those I care about, and those that care about me. To sharpen my analogy, this pit of depression is more like if some sadistic god mixed a tar pit with quicksand. Once you get stuck, there is almost no hope of getting out. The more you fight it, the more exhausted you are, causing you to just sink even more.

As you may have guessed by now, I’m not in the best of places today. Not suicidal, but very much detached from my current predicament. Not only that, but I am oh so tired, physically and mentally. One can only put up a front for so long until they no longer have the willpower to do so. But back to my point, it is days like this that you have maybe 3 options: You power through, simply forcing yourself to get things done, and then collapsing the moment you hit your bed, unable to sleep or relax, but too tired to do anything else. Or you could take a mental health day, abandon your responsibilities in an effort to solely focus on repairing you mental and physical well-being. However, I usually choose the 3rd option these days. Which is a very complex and personalized mix of the two previous choices. You power through where you absolutely have no other choice, but take it easy on things that “can wait until tomorrow”. With the hope that this mix of accomplishing goals you have for the day, and giving your body ample time to unwind, all in an effort to stop sinking into that pit. Maybe even begin to work yourself out of the pit. This 3rd choice definetly takes a ton more fine tuning, because like I said, the ratio of the two is different for each person, and even different day to day. Getting that perfect balance of the two is pretty difficult, and it can easily backfire on you when you get it wrong, but I find the results to be far more helpful than the cost.

I mean come on, we’ve all asked ourselves some time or another, if anything, no, everything is worth it. And we usually won’t find an answer. But, I feel like that answer we seek is not one that we can find on our own. It’s one of those questions that someone else has to answer for you. It needs an outside perspective. Because at the end of the day, you may not see all the good you’ve put out into the world. And you definetly can’t look at yourself in the mirror without finding all the flaws. But it’s the people that we’ve made connections with along the way that will answer that question for us. So if you think about it, if there’s no way to reach an answer on your own, what use is there to spend time racking your brain over something that you cannot solve. I know that patience is certainly not one of my strongest virtues, but faced with either suffering with no chance of an answer, or waiting for those who fill my life to answer for me, well I think you know what I’d choose. For you see, in the grand scheme of things, our minuscule lives are but a drop in an ocean.