Or so they say. The one regret I have about my ECT treatment, is that my memory has been severely impacted. What do I mean when I say impacted? Not only have I lost a large chunk of my memories, but my retention has also diminished. There are large portions of my life, of which I have no memory of. Which some could say is a blessing in disguise, because along with the good things, I’ve also forgotten many bad things as well. And while I haven’t exactly quantified it, I think my current memory last around 3-6 months, after which I can’t really recall much.

Now granted, my memory was never that great in the first place. I also have some preexisting brain damage due to concussions I suffered during my highschool football career. So I’m not saying that the ECT took my memory from me, but it certainly did reduce it. It is a very strange feeling when my friends talk about a specific event that occurred, and I have no memory of it taking place. It can also make things pretty awkward when somebody goes, “you remember that one time…” and I’m faced with two choices. Either I say no, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Or I pretend I do, while getting them to give more details, hoping that it stirs something in my few remaining memories. It has caused some friction between my best friends and I, to the point where I can hear the disappointment in their voice. And I can’t really blame them either. I mean if one of my closest friends forgot many of the things that led to our friendship, I would be more than a little upset. But I am lucky, never once have they gotten upset. They know what I traded at the cost of my memories, and they understand that the benefits greatly outweigh the cost. The results that I’ve seen, the progress that I have made…I never would have dreamed in my lifetime that I could ever stop being suicidal. I just thought I was a ticking time bomb, and no matter what I did, I could only delay the inevitable. That eventually I would take my own life. Not if, but when.

I mentioned it in my previous post, that I am getting used to being normal, whatever that truly means. Despite all my hardships, all that I endured to get to who I am now, most are just born like this as a default. Which can be pretty disheartening if you really think about it. And it really just cements the fact that the world is unfair, and that there is always someone who was born better off than you. However, to me, I like to view it a bit differently. I like to think that going through what I have, has made me kinder, more empathetic, and more courageous. Because I know what it feels like to want nothing but death. I know what it feels like to think of yourself as less than garbage. I know what it is to go through struggles in life. I know what it’s like to take life for a curse that you never asked for. I know what it is to be so low and so lost, that I can feel the pain of others, because it’s of the same vein that mine was.

Though, to be honest with you, I have no real memories of my depression, what it felt like to wake up feeling angry that I didn’t die in my sleep, what it felt like hoping to get into a fatal accident every time I stepped outside. I don’t remember it at all, but my mind is still molded by it, it knows the pain that I went through, even if I can’t remember it. Because of this “emotional muscle memory” I live every day as if it’s my last, I take risks that I never would have, because I know what it’s like to have nothing to live for, even if I can’t remember what it felt like…I just know the feeling, it’s etched into who I am as a person. I like to think I’m more understanding of people, because I have absolutely no idea what they’ve been through to become who they are today.

I can honestly say, that despite all that I’ve lost, and the difficulty that comes with my deteriorating memory, I would do it all again. I would gladly give everything I had to experience what I am now. To actually be able to experience happiness as well as sadness. To not just be lost in the darkness like I was. It is truely a life changing and humbling experience. To be able to go to bed and think, tomorrow is a new day, just imagine what I can accomplish.