The past few days, I haven’t really been writing, or keeping up with my socials. I also have felt the all too familiar “weight” returning to my life. Which honestly, as I’ve written before, scares the absolute sh*t out of me. Yet, through what I have learned in therapy, I think that I will be alright. If you didn’t know, I’ve been devoting most of my time to my jobs, in the hopes of paying off my enormous debts. Financial stress has always been a large burden for me, a burden that I don’t want to put on anyone else. I have noticed, in the past few weeks, that everything (money wise) has worked out, one way or another. So I am beginning to lessen this burden as much as I can. However, spending most of my time working, I do not have much for my blog, as you probably could tell. The other scary thing, is that WordPress, as a platform, is dying. I wish it wasn’t so, but it just seems like no one is reading written blogs anymore. Not only is the market absolutely over saturated, but there are a lot of alternatives. Such as video blogs (vlogs) and podcasts, that seem to have more reach than written words. I’m not saying that I’m going to stop writing, no. Writing, for me, is a wonderful outlet for all the thoughts swirling inside my head constantly. Though, I have to admit, I can’t write when I want to write. I can only write if the thoughts in my head organize themselves, somewhat. This may not make sense to a lot of you, but, when the thought for a post comes to me, I immediately write it. If I don’t, I lose it. However, this thought process for writing, doesn’t come easily. The thoughts in my head are like a tornado, and only when they form a semblance of a line almost, is when I can write. Hence, why I haven’t written the past few days. I haven’t had the “organization” I need to write. My thoughts were too chaotic, and not forming a “line” for me to put them into writing. I have had a lot of changes in my life, if you haven’t noticed. I’ve gone from unemployed to full time employment in a challenging job that I don’t completely hate. I’ve gone from all the time in the world, to barely any free time at all. I still struggle with my anxiety, especially socially. Though my life has been going through many changes, I haven’t been able to change where I want to. Which eventually lends myself to getting annoyed that I can’t “fix” these aspects of my life. I also feel depression tugging at my feet, wanting to get back into my life. I’m also dealing with alcoholism, gambling addiction, and trying to cut back on my tobacco use.

I guess the point of this post, is obviously to make me feel better, but is more me expressing myself. Life without depression is not as easy as I thought it would be. Then again, life is not easy as it is, for healthy people included. I now suddenly have to worry about my health, my social relationships, my time spent, every small part of my life that I never gave a thought to. Well, they aren’t really small parts of my life, but they were when I was depressed. I’ve written this a lot lately, but it is taking a lot more getting used to life without depression then I thought there’d be. I am a constant overthinker, and while I thrive in extreme planning and structure, I cannot seem to get these things done myself. There are a lot of things that I, have honestly known all along, but are beginning to become larger problems in my life, now that I’m not incredibly depressed. While I am a type of person who will plan things down to the letter, I can’t seem to plan for most of my life. I understand there are things in life that you just can’t plan for, but I try and try to make structure in my life, but it never sticks. Life is hard, I knew that. Life is unfair, I knew that. Life moves forwards, whether you want it to or not, I knew that. Yet, no amount of planning can prepare me for actually living life. My ultimate end goal was always death. Now that I am reorganizing my goals, life is getting infinitely more complex and challenging. I will continue to write, probably far less often than I used to, but hopefully, I’ll still bring forth content I’m proud of. I mean that. Although my anxiety would like to disagree with me, that everything I write is utter trash, I won’t let that stop me. I like to write, and I’m glad that some of you enjoy my writing. So hopefully, you will stick with me as I continue my journey through my new life, as not everyone will get a second chance as I have. Remember, the one sentence that has gotten me through even the toughest of times: Never use a permenant solution, to a temporary problem. Though it might not feel like what you’re going through is temporary, believe me, I’ve been there. The truth is, if you’re lucky, life will be long. It will be full of heartache, unbelievable pain, agony you can’t even imagine, failure, and struggles. It also will be full of joy, love, achievement, success, and many other great things. It’s funny, I’ve never bought into spiritual things, but the yin-yang ideology is truly the embodiment of life. For all the darkness there is in life, there will be equivalent light as well. It all just comes in waves, and we have to keep pushing forwards to experience all that life has to offer. Sorry this got so long, I just kept getting pulled on tangents, this whole thing is basically a tangent…so, thanks for reading, from my mind to yours, Alan Wolfgang, signing off.