It was recently, scrolling through Twitter, that I stumbled upon a fellow that was asking for reasons to stay alive. (P.S if you haven’t followed me on Twitter, my handle is @AlanWolfgang, just sayin) Now this obviously is a red flag for mental illness sufferers, in more ways than one I might add. It unfortunately is something that is all too common on social media inside the Mental Health “circle”. There are those of us, just scrolling through, advocating for mental health, offering what advice and help we can, and then those of us just scrolling as a distraction. Either way, it is not only concerning for the poster’s health, but could also be triggering to readers. I find myself faced with both, concern for the poster’s wellbeing, and feeling despair that I can’t offer the help that this person obviously needs. Granted, some people just post things like that to actually try and get some connection with others, whether that be advice or relation. However, for me, these types of posts immediately make me want to call the police on this person, just to make sure they’re okay, as well as to take some stress off my mind. Although, in the wondrous land of the Internet, that isn’t always possible, nor looked at lightly.

So I offered my advice to this gentleman, hoping that I could get him away from the proverbial ledge. But obviously, since I’m writing a post about it, I am still concerned. I belong to several mental health groups on Facebook, and they are always flooded with people talking about suicide. So much so, that I don’t even go on Facebook anymore. Not only could I not give these people the help they need, I am barely past the beginning of my own recovery. It would bring my mood down, which I am very cautious about these days. It would also bring “flashbacks” of how suicidal I was during my depression, which was no bueno (not good).

However, my thoughts about how to help these people brought up a very interesting point for discussion. What are the reasons to stay alive? Unfortunately I don’t have a solid answer for you. As believe it or not, everybody has to find their own reason to live. Yep, the numerous times you’ve heard that already, it was actually right all along. I just recently found my reason to live

It was only due to this man’s cry for help, that really made me think about what my reason to live is. For the longest time, I had been living for my mother. As my death, would cause untold heartbreak for her. So I made up my mind that I’d kill myself once she passed away, but luckily for me, I now have a drive to live for myself. The first thing I thought of, when I saw this guy’s tweet, was my college advisor. A middle aged Arabic man, who I think had a doctorate, but taught chemistry at the college. I honestly don’t even remember his name, which is a plus for me, because I want to forget everything about him. Oddly enough though, it’s this jerk who gave me my reason to live. I call him a jerk, because when I was looking to schedule my next semester’s classes with him, he told me that, “I would never amount to anything in life, or be hired by any company, unless I brought my GPA up.” Now, hopefully you can see how callus this statement is, and really imagine how detrimental it was for me, incredibly deep in depression. I actually had my second in-patient because of that one line. I was going to kill myself, just a week or two after he told me that. I remember sitting in his class, and just fuming with anger. Since I was making progress with my therapy, I realized that I was teetering on the metaphorical ledge in my mind, and immediately went to my therapist. Obviously, being an incredible danger to myself, I was admitted to the hospital. Even though I have such a deep wound because of this man, I now make it my mission to prove him wrong. It is my sole goal in life, to go back to him some day, spit in his face, and tell him all the progress I’ve made. I mean, so far, I’ve worked for 3 laboratories, and beat my depression. So far, I think I’m doing a pretty decent job. The best part, I’m only getting started. Hell, worst comes to worse, I’ll go piss on his gravestone. I want to explicitly state that I in no way want to harm this man, physically at least. I would however, love to deal an equivalent psychological blow to his enormous ego. So, especially with all this mental illness, and mass shootings talk about, I felt the need to make unequivocally clear, that I would never physically harm anyone. I can’t promise that I won’t try to do as much mental harm to him as he did to me.

Anyways, the point I am trying to make is, you need to find your reason for living. Everybody has at least one. And then hold onto that reason as tight as you can, and pile-drive life into the dirt, show it who’s boss. From my mind to yours, Alan Wolfgang, signing off