There is a thought that I had the other day that scared the living hell out of me, “I miss being depressed”. I was like WTF! I certainly DO NOT miss being depressed, I’ve never felt better in my life and I want to keep it that way. Yet, this thought does warrant some deeper investigation. Why would I think that, after all the work and effort that I’ve put into getting better? I think that it has a lot to do with how early I am in my recovery journey. Y’know, I spent over 20 years of my life in this deep dark hole, and eventually it felt like home. Now that I’m out in the light, I am missing the familiar darkness. It is a very uncomfortable feeling for me to have. I spent so long not taking care of myself, focusing only on how to survive, that now that I am trying to focus on life, it’s getting a bit overwhelming. It is very important that we all know, that recovery is not a straight line. It is very convoluted, and confusing, but in the end it’s worth everything. It took me a while to realize, but these “bumps” in my recovery road are not sinkholes, they’re just bumps. There is no reason for me to just give up because of a little adversity. I used to, for sure, if I was faced with opposition, I would give up on the spot. Needless to say, it’s taken a while to change that way of thinking.

I’ve only ever self-harmed once, I put a cigarette out in my wrist. I’ve never understood self-harm. I’m not denouncing it, because everybody has their way of survival. I mean I don’t like it, it’s obviously not healthy, but whatever gets you through the day. I just think that I miss the pain that depression caused me. Let me explain. I used to wake up and already know how the day was going to be, awful. I used to know what emotions I would experience, bad ones. I used to know how everything would be, and be processed in my head, because my depression was predictable. I used to be caught off guard if I wasn’t overwhelmed with suicidal thoughts. I miss that everything went a certain way, regardless of how hard I tried. My life was very predictable and repetitive. I mean I feel like I’m always in uncharted territory now, because well, I am. I’m not used to feeling good. It’s uncomfortable for me. I think that’s why I thought “I miss being depressed”. It’s not the depression that I miss, it’s how predictable my life was. If you couldn’t tell, I’m rather fond of patterns, everything being a certain way. I don’t think that I have OCD, but it puts me at ease when everything goes a specific way, and conversely when things don’t go that way. So now, being that I’m experiencing life for, pretty much, the first time, it has me uneasy. I don’t know how else to really explain it. Just know that no time soon, so I plan of giving in to my depression. I am not going backwards, even if I could. I am proudly pushing forwards, albeit blindly, to a positive future. After all the effort, time, and energy I put in to get out of my depression, I will try my best not to get sucked back in, for any reason. That being said, hopefully you can also make progress against your mental illness. Not saying you have to, but it would be nice if you did. Everybody goes at their own pace, just always keep fighting, and never give up, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and things do get better. Promise.

From my mind to yours, Alan Wolfgang, signing off