I was on my way home today from my new job, and listening to the new album from my favorite artist. In case you don’t follow me on Twitter, this artist would be NF, and his new album The Search. 100% honest that this is not a plug, I am in no way profiting off of writing about his music. Now that that’s out of the way, I was listening to his song “Time”. For those of you who don’t know, NF openly suffers from depression, anxiety and OCD. His song time is about, what I assume, his relationship with his now wife. Listening to it, made me realize something. I am so lucky to have had people in my life that supported me during my years of deep deep depression. Like my mother, and my friends. I’ve never really thought about it before, but like holy hell, I must have been very difficult to be around. I mean the mood swings, the bad hygiene, the lack of motivation. I was basically a shell of a person, drifting through life. Yet, these people, who I must have hurt…a lot…for one reason or another stuck by me. I mean, I now that I finally am recovering from depression, feel like I’ve won the freaking lottery. I mean, I hate to say it, but I imagine this is relatable for a lot of you. While you are giving everything you have just to survive, these people are selflessly there, supporting you in your struggle. It really baffles my mind, I mean I understand my mother, because I mean, she’s my mother. But my friends, I’ve lost a decent number of friends due to my illness, yet particularly these two friends stuck with me through the worst period of my life. For crying out loud, the first time I went over my friend’s house after my 1st major suicide attempt, him and his family welcomed me like nothing changed. Back to my mother for a minute, I can’t even imagine the pain she went through during my depression. Y’know that’s something that is rarely talked about in the mental health field. The people closest to us might even feel more anguish then we do. I mean, think about it for a minute, imagine someone who you love dearly gets diagnosed with an incurable illness, how would you feel? If my mother, or my two best friends suddenly got diagnosed with cancer, I would instantly lose my mind! But that act, of being there when others just leave. Supporting someone, knowing that even all you can do is never enough. Watching someone slowly fade away. It would kill me inside, and I know what it feels like to be dead inside, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I know that I will ultimately have to go through this with my mother, because, that’s just life. I just hope by then, I’ve built up enough of a support network, and really developed a healthier life. I just am so thankful that these people stayed by my side, when even I didn’t want to be around me. I hope that when the time comes for me to be that person, that I am strong enough. I guess that’s love. I’ve never really been able to say that I know what love feels like. But after a little bit of introspection, I can now happily say that I am loved, and am capable of loving someone else. Like NF says, “you don’t really know what love is, until you’re holding onto something that you can’t lose”. I, with my whole heart, hope that each and every one of you reading this, has at least one person like the people that I have in my life. If not, then make yourself that person. I don’t even really know where I was heading with this post anymore, so I think I’ll end it here. With love, from my mind to yours, Alan Wolfgang, signing off.