Now I want to make something clear, I am by no means saying that men have it harder or worse than women when it comes to mental health. What I am saying, is that prejudice, bias, discrimination, and stigma affect men too. Now, most of you should be thinking, “Well duh” because I like to think my blogging attracts good people.
All of you probably know what I’m talking about when I talk about male stereotypes. Yes, they are outdated, stupid, and probably false, as all stereotypes are. However, the male stereotypes that effect, at least my, mental health need to stop. I come from a rather progressive family, excluding my father, but you should all know how I feel about him (if not, read My Relationship With My Father). For a quick summary, I don’t like my father. For many reasons, mostly because I felt abandoned as a teen/young adult, but also because he is a rather lousy human being. He’s what you would call, old fashioned. That comes with all the racism, stereotypes, and biases. My mother though, is rather progressive, so I’ve learned to be an accepting person. However, this doesn’t change what I went through in my past years. Although I am not proud to admit it, I went through a “red-neck” phase, as most people in my town do, and I was a pretty hateful person growing up. Luckily I grew out of it, and realized that there’s no use wasting energy hating someone over something like race. What I’m trying, but failing, to get at, is there were many times in my life that I was belittled because I wasn’t “man enough”. I’m a rather large guy, always have been, so I played football when I was younger. For the township and later the local high school. Now, I did this, because every movie I’ve ever seen taught me that the football players are popular kids. Granted, I was a shy kid, mostly thanks to undiagnosed anxiety. So I thought football would make me cooler. Man was I wrong, I was not only still a loner, but the butt of many of the team’s jokes. Needless to say, I regret playing football, almost as much as I do smoking cigarettes. It was one of the worst decisions of my life, it broke me physically and mentally. I was often told to “man up” by coaches and teammates, where I was struggling with my yet to be diagnosed depression.
To summarize my thoughts, I often feel like there was this “image” of what a man should be, that was inserted into my head early on in life. It was trying to fit this “image” that caused me many griefs. I think you know what I’m talking about, same thing goes for women, but that’s sexist. Where as the image of a man that is portrayed to kids is normal still. That is what I’m trying to get at, and that’s what angers me to this day. Now I no longer care about “being a man” because, although I identify as male (male at birth too) I can be whatever the heck I want in this day and age. The part of the stigma surrounding mental health that really upsets me, is that men feel invalidated by asking for the help they desperately need. I mean I certainly did when I was hospitalized, and thrown into the mental health world for the first time.
So, to wrap things up, we need to address the fact that there is sexism towards males. It does exist, and it is killing people every day. So let’s grow up and let people be whatever gender they want, and get rid of all these old fashioned stereotypes, deal?
From my mind to yours, this is Alan Wolfgang, signing off
Out of My Mind 
Really enjoyed your transparency. Thank you for creating this dialogue with everyone. Followed!
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Thanks, that’s what I was going for. Glad you enjoyed, more to come!
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Sorry, this got so long and academic. But, please either read to the end or don’t read it. The end is important:
Hey 🙂 I know I don’t comment on your stuff super often, but I couldn’t help but want to take this opportunity. Much of what you said is true and I do not want you to take this comment as an attack in any way. I am in no way trying to invalidate your feelings or say you’re wrong. Just, as someone trained in this field (Anthropology, with some feminist studies), I would like to illuminate something. (Please keep in mind that I am discussing ONLY sexism, not any intersectionality of various “isms” here.)
Sexism is just sexism. There is no sexism “towards” anyone – female or male. That is because sexism is a system – it’s ALL of the beliefs and behaviors that support a particular status quo. Now, those beliefs create stereotypes and cultural assumptions that affect BOTH males and females negatively. But, not all negatives are created equal. The stereotypes for males and females serve a very different purpose.
In the case of females, the stereotypes and expectations placed on them serve to force them to give up their power as people to achieve social acceptance. You can be powerful, but you will be hated and, therefore, unable to change a society you are not part of. On the other hand, you can be submissive and accepted. That is why you need a lot of women to get together to change things in our society (though this is STARTING to change). One is not enough because she will instantly be ignored as “crazy” or “extreme” or “bitchy.” Looking at female politicians is a good example of this. Their abilities are questioned simply because they ovulate. Even when they have a lot of support, they are often attacked for being “too aggressive” or “too passive.” There are a million and one very thin lines they must walk in order to not be thrown out like yesterday’s old news. And, very often, their HUSBAND/SO’s reputation or abilities are seen as key to a woman’s success (which is not an assumption that works the other way – just compare Bill Clinton’s and Melania Trump’s political experience and how that mattered in 2016).
The complete opposite is true of males. The stereotypes and expectations placed on males are supposed to grow their power, teach them how to portray confidence and authority. Now, there are, of course, those men who do not “succeed” in building this power. But, they are not considered oppressed, as women are, for a very important reason. They are never asked to give up their power in actuality; they are simply told they don’t have enough to do anything with. They are taught that other men are “more” than them, so there is no point in believing in themselves. This is an extremely unhealthy message -emotionally and mentally – but entails only thinking that you give up your power, not actually doing so. And, this is what creates so much tension around the topic of sexism.
Academic feminists and other experts are aware that sexism places restraints on men, but that does not mean men are oppressed. They are taught to BELIEVE they are oppressed but are never actually required to give up their power to gain acceptance. That is how men maintain power and positions of authority OVER TIME (government, CEOS, etc). You need everyone below you to feel like they can’t challenge you but still be able to take over after you and be seen as an authority. It’s almost like lions. If you are not the alpha male, you are taught that you are nothing in your group. But, your power is never actually taken from you. You have the option to leave this group, find another, and even take it over. You always have the option to BECOME an alpha male. It’s only a matter of whether you KNOW you have that option and take it. That is not true for females. No female lion will ever be the alpha male. The best she can hope for is to become the alpha male’s favorite, his “right-hand woman.”
And, this is how ALL forms of oppression work. Those who are oppressed have their power taken from them so that it is tremendously difficult to change the system. But, to ensure that the system is SUSTAINABLE and lasts, limits are also placed on the oppressors, who are often taught that they are oppressed. This “hides” the fact that the system is changeable from those who actually have the power to change it. And, it often results in exactly what is happening with sexism – the oppressed get sick and tired of begging those with power for help and begin to resent them while, on the other hand, those with power don’t believe they have it and begin to resent the oppressed for hounding them. Both groups grow to hate each other and the system survives.
That is why I, personally, am a Social Feminist rather than a Liberal Feminist (what almost all feminists are). Liberal Feminists believe that sexism can be overcome simply by women taking on more of men’s roles. I do believe that women can EVENTUALLY overcome MOST of sexism simply by trying to act more masculine. But, this only changes sexism to be about masculinity and feminity rather than males and females. Evidence of this can be seen in the current remaining wage gap, which is, in actuality, usually the result of women doing more domestic work than men. Counting domestic work, women actually work, ON AVERAGE, about 20 hours more per week than men do. But, a very significant amount of this is unpaid domestic work that is necessary to support the ability to work outside the home. THIS is the work women are not paid or rewarded for. And, since they tend to do more of it, it often prevents them from pursuing the same time-intensive promotions and such that men often receive. In effect, women are unable to get into positions of power or receive raises because their SOs have an easier time doing so and they get stuck at home. That is why I believe sexism as a whole will never be completely eradicated unless we also encourage men to occupy more women’s roles (the key belief of Social Feminists). By allowing and encouraging men to take on such roles, we, in turn, convince them to use their power to de-stigmatize these roles (whether they realize it or not). I do not think it is at all surprising that we are seeing the #MeToo movement and more women in power AFTER the concept of the stay-at-home Dad even just began to become acceptable.
In summary, I absolutely believe that feminists need to support men who wish to take on women’s roles or pursue less “masculine” activities. But, I believe this BECAUSE men are the oppressive group (even with limits placed on them) and not the oppressed. That is what gives them the power to change the system – even the parts that negatively impact them – far faster than women can. The trick is we need to get them to believe they can and should do it. I agree with your overarching opinion, but for different reasons that I, personally believe, are incredibly important to understand if we actually want to overcome sexism.
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I agree, and I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to bring this up with me. I’ve never actually thought of it in that context before. I want you to know that I am not sexist (at least I try not to be). I want you to know that you are always welcome to correct me if you see me saying something incorrect. Thanks 😊
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I’m so glad that you weren’t offended. I only commented because I thought that you seemed very open-minded (I don’t like starting fights with people online). Thank you so much for bringing attention to this and all of the issues you touch on in your blog. I hope you keep writing (even if it’s less often now that you found employment). 🙂
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Yeah, I’m very open minded. I’m glad you educated me, because I love having my facts straight.
Yes, I will be writing still, despite a full time job.
With love, Alan
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