I’ve shared with you all in the past that I’m going through, kinda towards the end actually, ECT treatments. I even tweeted about how people still have the wrong idea of ECT treatment (be sure to follow me on Twitter @AlanWolgang). The important part here is that ECT has changed my life, for the better. It has finally given me the opportunity at a somewhat normal life. Yet, a question that has been floating around my head lately, “What does normal even feel like?” Recently followed up by “Why do I want to be normal so badly?”

I ask these questions of myself because I am basically an adolescent child in an adults body. Everything I knew about my life in the past 25 years was all about dying, or staying alive oddly enough. But none of that is needed anymore. I have to start thinking about my future, and not these “fever dreams” of a future, but a realistic future with a plan to get there. This is the first time in my life where I am suddenly faced with not “I wish…” but how do I move forwards? It is such a strange place for me to be. To put it into relatable terms, imagine if you lived in the same place for 25 years, knew every nook and cranny of the building, and one day you go to bed, as you always do, and you wake up somewhere completely different. What would you do first? I mean if that happened to me, my first thought would be “what the hell happened?!” I mean I feel like that’s what most of us would think. Yet, imagine if you were the one who decided to move from your old home into this new unfamiliar place. You willingly gave up everything you had ever known, in the hopes of a better life. Well that’s exactly what I did. While I was depressed, I was so busy developing survival skills that I failed to develop even the basic “human” necessary skills. Except cooking, I’m a damn good cook and I love it. Everything else though, I’m like an infant. Taking care of my finances, meeting new people, taking care of myself, my living space. Hell, even showering and brushing my teeth are now things that I have to train myself to do, because I never cared before. I even went clothes shopping with a dear friend of mine, and I couldn’t even remember the last time I bought new clothes!

Now that I’ve finally gotten the chance at a normal life, I have no idea how to live it. It’s very strange to me, like I was plopped in a different country with no warning or preparation. Even now, as I’m writing this post, I feel like I have so much energy, and I’m thinking to myself, “Is this my normal level of energy, or am I actually full of energy?” Because when depression gets a hold of you, one of the first things to go is your energy. So now I’m wondering if the energy I feel is normal, because I’m so used to living with no energy, or is it actually because I have more than normal energy. So naturally I’m so confused on how to live my life because I’m in a few places that are new to me. I’m trying to cut back my smoking, my drinking. I’m trying to take better care of myself and my hygiene. I haven’t been unemployed since before I was 17. I’m actually trying to live, and get the best life that I can. It’s so foreign to me. Which is part of my way of thinking, and habits that I need to change. My depressed self, the me I’ve been for over 20 years, no longer exists (for now…as I’m sure that I will not always be happy) and I’ve basically got to build myself from scratch.

I honestly hope that all you out there that deal with depression or anxiety get the chance to battle these types of problems rather than the ones you’re used to. I hope you all get the chance at being “normal” whatever that may mean to you. I mean it would be nice if you didn’t have any problems, but life doesn’t work that way. So I at least hope your problems are positive ones. I said it in my first post, but I’ll say it again. If you have anything you want me to write about (having been super depressed, and beat it) just comment below, and I’ll be sure to write whatever I can about it. But that’s all I have for now. As always, thank you all for being on this journey with me, from my mind to yours. This is Alan Wolfgang, signing off.