As many of you know, I have a tumultuous relationship with alcohol. If you didn’t, now you do. I myself am a socially awkward, anxious overthinker, so I would often turn to drinking to help me through social gatherings. However, once I began to develop a sense of release from drinking, it became more than just a coping mechanism. For me, alcohol had become the key to me having fun, or enjoying my time doing something that I used to enjoy without drinking. It got to a point where the things I liked, were no longer enjoyable sober. And any minor inconvenience would lead me straight to the liquor store. I would drink my worries away, and letting future me deal with the repercussions.

It started in college, when me and my friends would get very drunk any time we were able. School nights, workdays, none of it mattered if we had the cash for some beer. It wasn’t until after I left school, that I realized I was drinking way too often, and far too much. So I did my best to cut back to one night a week, usually when I would have nothing to do that night and the morning after. However, this was still during the height of my depression. And as many of you know, alcohol is a severe depressant. So before long, I was back to drinking every night, and eventually, beer wasn’t cutting it anymore. I starting drinking mixed drinks, hard liquor, to scratch the itch and forget my troubles. It didn’t take much longer after that, that I would just drink straight whiskey, just from the bottle. I would polish off a bottle a night at my lowest point.

It was soon after that I began going to therapy again. And with the improvement in mental standing, my urge to drink, and my giving in to that urge decreased considerably. There were even periods where I went without alcohol for months. Yet, some strong emotions, or major setbacks in my life would always lead me back to the alcohol. But there was a time where I had reached what I considered to be a kind of balance between my drinking and my life. I was back to one night a week, with adequate planning to nurse the hangover the following day. Some nights I wouldn’t even drink that much and just call it early.

I then went through my ECT treatment, and began to view my drinking as a form of entertainment rather than a crutch or coping mechanism. I believe that this was the beginning of my descent to where I am today. I was under the belief that I had my drinking under control. Yeah, I drank a lot, but not often, and I’m a big guy with a high tolerance, so I rationalized my way to thinking everything was fine. I still had that firm line drawn in the sand though, never drink on a work night. I had been going to my new job for 7:30am, Monday through Friday, with non-negotiable overtime on every third weekend. I was able to base my drinking around my schedule, and it was all fine for a time. It wasn’t really until I started my new position earlier this year, with a more lax schedule, that I began to broach the line I had so strictly avoided. I was drinking on weeknights, telling myself I’ll just stay later if I go in later. It was only once in a while, and on my bad days to boot. So again, I rationalized it all to seem like I wasn’t doing something wrong. However, the past few months have been a bit of a rollercoaster emotionally, and so I have been drinking more often, even sometimes during the day on my lunch break. At this point I knew what I was doing was wrong, that it was becoming a serious problem. But I just subconsciously swept it all under the rug. I was happy when I was drunk, and it wasn’t affecting my life too much. I kept just lying to myself. I turned a blind eye to what I was doing to myself, and what alcohol was doing to me.

This is when I finally realized that I had crossed the line I set in my mind long ago. It all came to a head, and I finally looked at this for what it is, Alcoholism. It has been a problem for a long time, and I’m not going to try and explain that away anymore. I am really good at rationalizing things to make them sound not so bad in my head. But if you were someone on the outside looking in, you would be shocked that I’m only now acknowledging that my drinking is a problem. I’m an alcoholic, I have been for some time, I even used to make jokes about it, “I’m a professional Alcoholic” I used to say. But it really is no laughing matter, and I’m not gonna beat myself up about it, or whine and moan about how didn’t I just acknowledge this earlier, I could have save myself so much trouble. That won’t help me one bit, so why do things that are only going to make me more tempted to drink again.

But I know myself quite well, and saying I’m never going to drink again, is just a fool’s wish. So for now, I’m going to just start by finishing out the year without drinking. Sounds like more than it is, because it’s really not even a month of the year left. But small steps are the key to making lasting changes. I am not the kind of person who can change something so ingrained in me on a dime. It is small, manageable steps, and not beating myself up over shortcomings. I wrote a similar article about falling off the wagon, and how you just have to get back up and hop back on. Try, try again, and eventually you will succeed. I’m aiming for something like drinking once a month, excluding social gatherings, where I would drink minimally. But I’m in no rush to get there, because a change like this needs to be done carefully and with determination. So while I sort myself out, I just have to keep with the program, applaud my progress, and forgive my mistakes.