I’ve been in and out of doctors’ offices for nearly a decade now. Mostly due to my mental health obviously. Yet more often as of late it is my physical health that seems to be declining. I mean hell, I’m a young man still, not even middle aged yet, under 30, in the prime of my life. So why do I always feel so awful? That’s the question I keep asking myself. My memory is fading, my hands constantly shake, my constitution is rapidly declining. I’m in the worst physical shape of my life, even though I’m eating right and staying hydrated, getting moderate levels of exercise, I’m just falling to pieces. Though every single time I’ve brought these concerns to my doctor, he always blames my mental health, or medication, and refers me to a “specialist” because they have better knowledge on “my condition”. It just feels like he is shoving me off to somebody else, because if he spoke his mind and told me I’m full of it, I would definetly find a new doctor. It’s simple, as the doctor heading the practice, he wants to keep, and gain, patients (customers). Not only are my symptoms heavily visible now, like I can’t even pass a road sobriety test while sober as a tack, but he still just doesn’t want to admit he thinks there is nothing wrong. Hell, I feel so awful sometimes, it feels like I’m dying.

Not to mention the most recent specialist he sent me to, a neurologist, as most of my symptoms are brain based. My first time meeting this doctor, with a list of symptoms from my primary, had clearly written me off as soon as he saw my age on my check-in paperwork. He waltzed in, nonchalantly, let me explain my concerns to him, then had the nerve to go on a well-mannered rant about how men my age shouldn’t have these problems. That I’m young and healthy, and instantly dissolved everything I had just voiced to him. Though my absolute favorite was when he said to me, “I’ll order an MRI, even though I know nothing will come of it.” Those words, spoken so easily, just shattered any and all faith I had in this doctor, and diminished my own confidence around seeking answers for my ailment.

Why is it that it is always an older doctor, who has been in their practice for decades, are the first to write off a young, “seemingly healthy” person, who is obviously experiencing something to cause concern. I feel more and more these days, that I’m falling apart. There’s more and more I can’t remember from my past. Less and less I can remember from my current. Plus now I’m constantly bumping into things as if I was blind. My vision is great, I just have no spatial awareness left. It’s like only what I can see is what my brain believes to be there, causing what looks like normal clumsiness, but it is terrifying to me. I’m suddenly becoming someone who can barely remember to take care of myself, complete my responsibilities at work, and am even losing whatever athleticism I still have. For crying out loud, I’ve nearly killed myself on accident dozens on times now. Whether it was nearly slicing off my leg with a chainsaw, getting into a very avoidable car accident, tripping on nothing and almost splitting my head open. Again, these must seem not too out of the ordinary for most people, and I acknowledge they are pretty normal events that happen rather often to people. Yet, for me, these things are like giant red flags, screaming that I’m losing control over my own body, senses, and reactions.

Enough about me though, what I really am writing about is the fact that those of us who know there is something wrong with our bodies, will almost always go through countless doctors, desperately searching for answers. Most doctors won’t even follow through, won’t give us a second thought, and will just write us off as perfectly healthy because we are “too young to be sick”. Well that sickens me, and really, the only way to get around this, is to keep moving forwards. Keep trying to find the one doctor who will actually give you the attention that you deserve. One who will stick with you even through all the negative tests, and normal results. Until finally, you’ll find that one test that fires up a bright red flare, and you finally get to figure out what is causing you so much distress. Yes it is tedious, yes it is exhausting, yes it is demoralizing, but at the end of the day, it’s not the doctors who are important, it’s you, and me, and all the people who can feel that something is clearly not right. Keep fighting, keep trying, never give up, because some day, there will be light at the end of the tunnel.