So, firstly, hey all! It has certainly been a long while. Longer than I had hoped. I even contemplated “retiring”, as I haven’t been able to focus on a writing idea in quite some time. Though, I figure, that I created this site as a coping mechanism, and to help me sort out the insanity that is my daily thoughts. The fact that I haven’t needed this platform for either of those reasons lately, is probably a good thing. However, it also is rather upsetting, not being able to get a firm grasp on my creativity. So, I think that I’ll just continue to do what I do best. That is live my life, day by day, and when I do get struck by the lightning that is creativity, I know that I will have an outlet to turn to.

Today, it seems that I am in a reflective mood. As my thoughts drift backwards in time, to the days I’d rather not remember. These days, remembering anything, is quite the chore for me. My mental ability have been in a steady decline, to where I often don’t remember anything from even just hours ago. However, this can also be seen as a blessing, as it allows me to focus on the “here and now” instead of the past, or even the future. Though, like I said, today I felt waves of familiarity floating through my mind. With a spark, an explosion of creativity ingnited in my mind, and certain thoughts, feelings, and emotions came flooding back. Particularly, how I would act while I was depressed. Those of us who are, or were, depressed, usually became rather adept at hiding our dark thoughts, and putting on a brave face. We would get so used to doing this, it was almost like we put on a mask and became someone else when we interact with others. I think of a commercial for a certain antidepressant that I have seen many times, where it compares living with depression to “living behind a mask”. Where the person walks around with a smiley face on a popsicle stick that they just thrust in front of their face whenever they have to deal with other people. While personally, I really don’t like this commercial, I can’t say that it’s entirely false either. For me, whenever I was with someone, anyone, I would adopt a sort of persona. A false personality in order to hide my true feelings. I was kinda like a personified mullet, but opposite. All party in the front, but a disaster behind that. I got so good at being this other me, that it’s kinda stayed with me, even after the depression has waned. It’s funny because I always used to let a little bit of my true self slip past in the form of dark humor. For example, when somebody asks how I’m doing, I usually respond with something along the lines of, “Well I woke up breathing today, so there’s that.” Usually it’ll get a chuckle in response, but most people don’t feel the need to delve further, as it just some off remark, right? People often assume that these sort of “jokes” often imply that today’s a good day because I’m still alive. When in actuality, I meant that today is an awful day because I didn’t die in my sleep.

It’s often concerning how many of these sort of humorous red flags that never really gave anyone any reason to think into it a bit more. Of course, that solely applies to people who don’t know my history. Yet, even those who do often disregard these kind of remarks with an aggravated sigh. If I could see inside their head, they’re probably thinking something like, “ not this s**t again, he better be joking”. But as not to invade my personal space, they let me get away with it, and just hope that I wasn’t serious. Luckily, these days, though the jokes stayed the same, the deeper meaning behind them has all but disappeared. I’ve been doing this for so long that it’s the first thing that pops in my head when someone asks me how I’m doing, or how my day was, or if I have plans for the weekend. I just go, well, I’m not dead yet, and it gets a laugh, and I know that I should stop doing this sort of thing because it’s just inviting trouble, but it’s kinda just who I am now. That dark edgy humor that I used as a flare gun, hoping that someone, anyone, would see it as a cry for help, has just stuck around. It sort of keeps me humble to be honest. Like I said, it brings back these waves of memories, of a much darker time, and more hidden behind the mask.