So, you know how in one of my more recent articles (https://oomm.health.blog/2019/08/12/resistant-to-change/) Resistant To Change, I said that I am rather resistant to changing my habits, who I am, my thought processes, etc. Towards the end of the post, I came to the “realization” that it’s all because I’m not trying hard enough; or in my exact words, “I don’t want it bad enough.” Well, I’ve given it some more thought, and while I am technically right, I am also wrong at the same time. You see, I really haven’t tried my hardest at anything in my life except staying alive. Think about it for a second.

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Okay, second’s up. So here I am, thinking that I’m not moving forward with my new chance at life because “I don’t want it bad enough.” That is my depression brain trying to take back some real estate after it was evicted. I don’t want it bad enough, PULEASE BIATCH. While it does hold some truth, the only thing I ever really wanted badly enough was death; it also is no longer relevant to my life. That’s the thing about mental illness, once you kick it to the curb, it will try every trick in the book to worm it’s way back into your life. Y’know, I had to really think about it, and while it felt correct, I knew deep down that I am a boss-a*s-muthaf*cka who didn’t need that kind of self-deprecating negativity in my life. So what did I do to come to this rather obvious realization? What I do best, bud, I wrote my thoughts out. Once they hit paper, or keyboard rather, I knew that they were total BS, and I re-framed them. Yeah, I didn’t try my hardest during my school years. Yeah I didn’t try my hardest at making friends. Yeah I didn’t try my hardest to stay physically fit. Yeah I didn’t try my hardest while I was depressed…BECAUSE I WAS DEPRESSED!! One of the major symptoms of depression is loss of motivation. Well slap my knee, and call me uncle…you don’t say…Ahem, so what I am saying is: not only is all that junk in the past (and I can’t do anything to change it) but I wasn’t operating at my full potential. Got ’em!!

As you can probably imagine, doing anything above the basics is like running a marathon for someone with depression. Hell, even the basics a lot of the time are too much to handle and sooooo exhausting. So it really isn’t that much of a leap to say that I never tried my hardest at anything, because I couldn’t. I was playing poker without a full deck of cards…or at least I think that’s the saying. Every ounce of energy I had was spent on fighting my brain, staying alive, and making it through the day. I had nothing else to give my Spanish quiz, or that pretty girl who sat next to me in Writing class, or anything really. I was essentially a car trying to drive across the country on an empty tank of gas! I mean, it’s really no wonder that I never tried my hardest, and it’s honestly by the “skin of my teeth” that I made it as far as I did.

Now that we have that bit sorted out, let me tell you how I began to really change my old depression habits. Oh and by the way, what I’m talking about as “depression habits” are things like not showering, overeating, isolating, making excuses on why I couldn’t do chores, etc. As I may have mentioned in a previous post, its been a little over 3 weeks since I’ve last showered…I know, you don’t have to tell me, it’s gross…Anyways, I’ve been telling myself that I had to take a shower when I got home, every day for those past 3 weeks. What was the problem then? I never did it. I would always say that I’d do it, but never actually do it. So what did I do yesterday that was any different? Well, honestly, the only thing different is that I actually got in the shower and brushed my teeth yesterday. I still told myself in my head that “I had to shower today!”, but when I got home, I just fell into my pattern. Change into my pj’s, play a little with my dog, eat dinner, then watch some TV. When it came time to actually take the shower, I was just procrastinating until I didn’t do it, yet again. However, this time, I just did it.

I can see you looking at your screen, just blinking, reading that last bit over again, and saying to yourself, “Oh, well thanks Alan! I had no idea that all I had to do to break my bad habits is just do the opposite of the usual! Wow, I’m cured!” Yeah…I know…not exactly the answer you were looking for. Yet, it worked for me! It’s like standing on the top of that waterfall, looking down into the basin of water, and thinking, “Jump, it’ll be so much fun!” Yet, you stand there, letting whatever get the best of you. I mean, yeah if I was looking down like a hundred foot drop, I would be frozen there too. But I did the opposite, I just said “F*ck it” and jumped. I threw caution to the wind so to speak. As you can probably imagine, I am a chronic over thinker. So to combat this, I’m just saying “f*ck it” to everything. F*ck it, I’ll get up and go to work. F*ck it, I’ll start paying extra on my credit card bills. F*ck it, I’m taking that shower, AND brushing my teeth. Hell yeah, I’m living life on the edge!!! Not really though. Granted, not everyone can adopt this sort of uninhibited lifestyle. I never said, “Hey guess what everybody! I’ve discovered the cure to overthinking!!” Yeeeah, nope…I am just telling you what is working for me. Maybe it might work for you too, who knows?! I’m no human psychology expert…

Though, to add to this “f*ck it” mentality, I am also beginning to hold myself accountable. Like telling my mother that I’d cut the grass on Friday, and then clean the bathroom on Sunday. I am telling someone else, that I trust, what I am going to do, so that I have to do it (I’m driven by weird made up rules in my head). *cough*That’s not really holding yourSELF accountable *cough* Oh yeah, I guess you’re right. I get somebody ELSE to hold me accountable for my actions, there…fixed. Going back to the cliff jumping thing, I’m not doing these things for my friends, for the planet, for anything except for myself. I said I was gonna jump off that waterfall, and gosh d*mmit I’m going to do it. Also, as a little reminder, make sure you cut out the thoughts that say “Once you do that there’s no going back.” Because those little suckers can be a real pain in the behind, metaphorically of course. Those kinds of thoughts will completely derail the entire “f*ck it” mentality, so just do everything to prevent them…also having somebody else holding you accountable really helps too, so there’s that. Well, I am most certainly NOT saying go jump off any cliffs in the near future, I mean, unless you have a wingsuit. What I am saying, is that sometimes, you just have to force yourself to do something you don’t want to do, especially if it will benefit your mental health…or physical health…or health in general. ANYWHO, that’s all for now folks, from my mind to yours, Alan Wolfgang, signing off.