I know that I like to tout that ECT treatment cured my depression, and I stand behind that statement. However, as there is truely no cure for depression, I now prefer to say that I’m in remission. Which, if you nitpick, is not the same thing…I know. That’s not really what I want to talk about though. I feel it is a decent segway into my current mindset though. I now say that I’m in remission, because depression can rear it’s ugly head at any given moment. I have indeed experienced depression since the end of my ECT treatments. Though it is not the same depression as what caused me to seek ECT treatment. To put it in perspective, imagine life as treading water in the middle of the ocean. My “original” depression, was a weight tied to my ankle, dragging me under when I tried to relax in the slightest, while I was also in the middle of a storm. The depression I have experienced since, is a wave that goes over my head, dragging me underwater, but I find my way to the surface eventually. Hopefully that is not as confusing as I think it is, but it does illustrate how different these two depressions are. Which is why I say that I am in remission, and that depression is a normal human emotion. Everybody gets depressed during their lives, cus I mean, life sucks. However, not everyone experiences the true depths of depression, or mental illness.

Well, now that I am in remission from my depression, these little depressive episodes scare me. I don’t like that feeling of sinking back into my old self. Yet, I really am not putting in any effort to change that. The habits that I’ve developed during my depression, that once aided my survival, are now standing in the way of my new life. Granted, my anxiety is still awful, if not worse than before the treatment. Also, my therapist and I believe that I have undiagnosed Exexcutive Function Disorder. It’s basically “the father” of the ADHD family. Y’know, one of those, if they have ADHD they have EFD, but not everyone with EFD has ADHD. Yeah, wrap your head around that one. Anyways, one of the main characteristics of EFD is the complete lack of planning abilities. Not being bad at planning, no, being unable to plan. Yes, I cannot plan for the life of me. Like if someone held me at gunpoint and told me to plan tomorrow out, I couldn’t. My organization is also horribly effected, which makes life rather difficult. I can’t plan, I can’t organize…add that with my anxiety and racing thoughts, and you have yourself someone who basically can’t function as an adult. I’m usually late, or barely on time to things. I don’t have a hygiene regimen, or routine (depression didn’t help with that). I usually forget to take my meds. You get the idea. I was able to flourish under the constant guidance and structure that one receives in in-patient. However, without going to prison, I can’t really get that level of structure in my everyday life. You can probably imagine the issues that something like this raises. Despite my depression being in remission, I haven’t showered in 3 weeks. Despite telling myself every single day of those 3 weeks to take a shower, I haven’t been able to do it. I get home, switch into my pjs and suddenly lose all motivation to do chores, take a shower, read my mail, whatever. I am now 25 years old, and still can’t take care of myself. Despite knowing how to take care of myself, I can’t do it. I visualize everything I need to do, but none of it gets done. I know that this is the way that I lived my life while depressed, because y’know, depression; and it scares me every day. Like why can’t I just get in the damn shower every night after work? Hell, or every other night would do just fine…but nope, I know I need to, I tell myself all day that I’ll do it, then when the time comes, I can’t get it done. It pisses me off to no end, yet, I am not actively trying to break these habits. These are all things that kept me alive for 20+ years. Now that I don’t need them anymore, I can’t get rid of them. For some damn reason, I can’t get myself to change. It’s almost like I’m still depressed, which scares me. I know I’m not depressed anymore, I don’t want to kill myself, but I still can’t do the most basic of things. I don’t cut the grass, I don’t clean the bathroom, I don’t shower, I don’t do dishes or laundry, it’s like WTF man. If I were able to grab myself by my shoulders and just shake me, I would. I’m not depressed anymore, so why do I still act depressed? I just don’t get it. A part of me understands that I can’t just snap out of a deep depression, not fully anyways. The ECT may have fixed my depressed thoughts, and that overwhelming “cloud” that was always above me. Back to the ocean metaphor for a sec, ECT took off that weight strapped to my ankle, but it didn’t calm the ocean currents. I don’t know how else to explain it. I know that I have to “fix” these habits, and basically build a healthy self-sufficient lifestyle to replace these bad habits, but no matter how much I tell myself that I know exactly what to do, I don’t do it. I’ve talked with my therapist about this, and we set some three month goals, though, I don’t even remember what they are. So I don’t know what the heck to do! First I had severely treatment resistant depression, now I have…I don’t even know what I have. It’s like my brain is just resistant to change. I understand that most change is hard, especially changing 20+ year habits. Though, I guess I just don’t want it bad enough. Like I’ve coasted most of my life, through school, through jobs, I’ve never really tried hard at anything before. Though, that’s probably something to explore in another post. I think that’s what it is. I just don’t want it bad enough, I’m not trying my hardest. So, now that I’ve come to that realization, we’ll see how tomorrow goes…wish me luck. From my mind to yours, Alan Wolfgang, signing off.