So, if you’ve read my article I Got a Job!, you know that I have been unemployed for about 7 months now, since January. However, I can, once again, happily proclaim that I have been hired by a company in my field. Yet, yesterday, which was the day before my first day (today) I was filled with anxiety. Now there is something that I should make clear, there is a difference between being anxious, and having an anxiety disorder. You, yes you, can be anxious, it is a normal human emotion after all. But that doesn’t mean that you have an anxiety disorder.

Instead of being happy that I finally found a job, and one in my field, I was suffering from my anxiety disorder. The difference here between normal first day anxiety, and the anxiety that I was feeling, was like a canyon. I was shaking, not violently, but still noticeably. I lost my appetite, but wanted to gorge myself on comfort foods. I was dizzy and it almost felt like I was floating. It’s hard to explain. I mean yeah, I was nervous about starting a new job, but it was like somebody turned the dial to 11. Even reassuring myself that this was just normal to feel anxious before a new job starts, didn’t help at all. At the end of the night, I feel back into my depressive habits, didn’t fall asleep until midnight, watched sad rap music that I love on YouTube, you probably get where I’m going here.

I’m by no means feeling better today, I’m still freaking out. Not panic attack level, but definetly above baseline levels of anxiety. Yet, you know what I do? I put a mask on, a smile, and shove all my confidence to the surface. I fake it. Fake it till you make it, that’s kinda how I’ve been able to survive this long. I would put on a smile, force all the bad emotions to the back of my mind, and eventually that just became natural for me.

Y’know it’s funny, I finished my day today, and it went by like lightning. Of course it was only a half day, so I mean how could it not go by fast. But the verdict is in! And I’m sorry to say that I hate my job already…I’m basically a glorified dishwasher. It doesn’t help that I broke a large flask today (a cone shaped glass container). Nor does it help that I am in incredibly horrible physical shape. Just washing the glassware, I was sweating and gasping for air, I mean it was ugly. Except the thing is, I knew this job was going to suck, and it doesn’t suck as bad as my last job either, it’s a starting position for my career, and to finance my return to college. So at the end of the day, I’ve gotta power through, I have no other choice.

So basically what I am saying, is that anxiety is a normal human emotion. However, there usually is a reason, or a source of this anxiety for “normal” people. For those of us that have anxiety disorders, this fear (for lack of a better word) is baseless. There usually is no reason our bodies suddenly dive into fight or flight mode. That is, in my non-medical opinion, the largest difference between anxiety, and a disorder. So if you, or someone you know suffers from an anxiety disorder, don’t try to normalize it. We need to normalize talking about it, not the illness itself. We need to stop saying things like, “oh you’ll be fine, I get anxious all the time.” Because to us, it’s different. To us, it can often feel like the world is closing in on us, and we have no idea why. So let’s talk about anxiety disorders and other mental illnesses, but let’s not trivialize what someone is going through. Because no matter how hard we try, we can never walk a mile in their shoes. From my mind to yours, Alan Wolfgang, signing off.