I want to say first, that ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy) should not be your first option. You should try therapy and medications first. Yeah, I know meds come with a ton of side effects, but they often take away that “weight” of depression. You know the weight I’m talking about. It makes it so that you feel like you actually have a chance. You should also get tested for several depression causing diseases, like thyroid disorders. Just to eliminate other possible causes.

The reason I chose ECT was because I was at the end of my rope. I was going through life, convinced that I was just going to have to live depressed, forever. I heard about ECT during my second inpatient, after what would have been my fourth (and final) suicide attempt. I say final, because even though I can’t discuss it, I had gotten my hands on something that was 100% gonna kill me, like within seconds. Lucky for me I didn’t take said stuff, I went to my therapist and told her about it, and she reported me, and had me committed. So, the second inpatient, there was a patient there with us, who was having her second round of ECT. She had it once before over 10 years ago, and it cured her, although temporarily, from her depression. So when the depression came back, she went in for more ECT treatments, to hopefully get another 10 years of freedom. The only thing that I thought was,”That’s crazy, why would she go through basically electric shock treatment?” I mean, we have all heard the atrocities that were committed during the 1800/1900’s. Where people with mental illnesses were just electrocuted until they either died, were cured, or became a drooling mess. So, obviously that’s where my mind went when this women was talking about her ECT treatment. Fast forward a few years, and many med changes later, I was still super depressed, at a stationary point in my career, my finances were a mess, basically my life sucked, plus depression. Not to mention every waking moment was filled with suicidal thoughts. So after I quit my job at a very promising company because I hated everything about it, I decided that I would do research into more “out there” treatments for depression.

Like I said, I was at the end of my rope, convinced that I would be depressed for my whole life. Then, the light bulb went off, and I remembered the woman during my second inpatient, and the success she had with ECT. Finally, early January 2019, I said fuck it. I had nowhere else to turn, I was tired of switching meds, I was unemployed. It was like the universe aligned so that I could get this treatment. Sure I was skeptical, everyone should be of their treatments until it works. Even after the first few treatments, I was still depressed, still passively suicidal, and I was terrified that it wasn’t going to work. I mean, after all ECT only has a success rate of 80%. After about a month of treatments, 3 times a week, I suddenly saw the light. After living in the darkness for two decades, the clouds broke. It was like I woke up after treatment (they put you under anesthesia) and I wasn’t depressed anymore, I didn’t want to die. I began feeling better, even though my life still sucked, I was more optimistic. I had a small dip back into depression shortly after I started feeling better, which scared the hell out of me. So I had what they call a mini-series, where they ramp it back up to three times a week, for one week, and they changed the placement of the electrodes on my head. Fast forward a few more weeks, and I was feeling on top of the world, they began spacing the treatments out, but I was now feeling cured! Though as I’m now realizing, feeling that good doesn’t last forever, eventually you come back down to “normal”, which is where I’m at now. I’m not going to lie, I was scared that I would keep falling, back into depression, but it stopped. I had a new “normal” that wasn’t depressed and suicidal.

So now I’m spending all my time getting used to this new “normal” as well as trying to fix all my bad, depressed habits. The reason that I’m writing this article is to tell you, that if you feel that you have nowhere else to turn, and your mental illness has consumed your life, try researching “alternative” treatments. They have come a very long way in the medical world. I mean it’s halfway through 2019. Old treatments are constantly improving, and new treatments are being invented all the time. Mental illness is finally beginning to be treated the same as physical illnesses. Don’t get me wrong, we still have a long way to go. But there are doctors out there who are very versed in the mental health world, who have had great success with these seemingly other-worldly treatments.

To wrap things up, I just want to say that there is always hope that you’ll get better. It may not feel like it, it might feel like the world is closing in around you. Been there, done that. If someone like me, who had no hope at all, could find remission, then you can too! Just always keep fighting, because one day, your night will end, and you’ll see the sunrise, I promise. From my mind to yours, this is Alan Wolfgang, signing off