Have you ever woken up, just lying there in bed, wondering to yourself if it’s really worth it going to work. To be woken up unnaturally by whatever alarm you have, to go do something you’d rather not (If you didn’t need money) and spend most of your waking moments stuck somewhere when you could be catching up on that new show you saw last night. That…is probably a bit of an overspecific example, but you (hopefully) get my meaning. There are many moments in life where you stop and question yourself, “What the hell am I doing?” This question is never really a pleasant one, and it likes to make a surprise appearance when things aren’t really going your way. These moments can often lead to an epiphany of sorts, leading you onto a brighter path, where the question isn’t really needed anymore. But for folks like us, well, it can make the already unpleasant situtation a bit stickier. When we ask ourselves, “What am I doing?” it usually like to take a turn down a dark alley, making us question every single decision we’ve ever made. It can make us sink into a pit of shame and regret, because the solution is so simple, but just barely out of reach. It can make us try to change too abruptly, and feel even worse when we ultimately can’t make the sudden change stick. There are a lot of different emotions this question can dredge up, most of which not pleasant. This becomes an even bigger issue, because all the failure starts to weigh on us, literally and figuratively. It gets us stuck in this standstill, where we are either too afraid of failure, or we don’t even think success was a possibility to begin with. So we just let things stay were they are, even if they’re toxic to our mental health, or just slowly eating away at our mental wellbeing. We sit there at the start line, staring off into the distance at a finish line that we want so badly, but don’t want to get up and run after it.

This feeling, I’m sure you know it well. I do and it still controls most of my life. Things as simple as getting in the shower, become as consuming a task as doing your taxes. Yeah, it needs to be done, you’ll feel so much better after you do it, but you just don’t want to make that first step. I at least, start thinking about how much preparation is involved, and it makes me not want to do anything towards that goal. I’d rather attempt to relax and play some video games. The fact that you can’t tell which task I’m talking about is a large part of my problem. Simple, everyday things, just become these gargantuan, herculean tasks that just feel like they’re not worth the effort. Even though most of these tasks are essential, and will almost always help us; physically and mentally. So there I sit, unable to do anything, wallowing in my self pity and shame. Something that everyone else does on a daily basis, I can barely manage once a month. It hurts, it sucks, it makes me feel real bad, worthless even. But, there is one thing that keeps me going, and trying again and again and again, no matter how many times I fail. That thing, is my desire for a “normal” life. A life where depression doesn’t even cross my mind. Where I take care of myself and those around me. Where I am a person others can depend on. Where my friends can ask me to hang out without having a 90% chance I’ll say no. I pick myself up and dust myself off and just try, try again. Yeah, some people would look at this as an incredibly stupid tactic, equivalent to smashing your head against the wall attempting to break through. It may be seen as fruitless, useless and a waste of time, sometimes even to ourselves. The difference though, is not giving up. Getting up after your 57th failure, and your 712th failure and your 2563rd failure too. The sole act of continuing to try is your act of defiance toward the devil that lives in your head. You could just give up, give in to the wallowing depression, and hate your life without trying to change it. That is definetly an option here. But, I swear that I will win through stupidity. The reluctance to accept defeat even though I am wildly outclassed. I will keep ramming my head against the wall until it crumbles down. I don’t care if it takes me 5, 10, 20, 50, or even 70 years. I will wear my idiocy proudly on my sleeve for all the world to see. We humans are ingenuitive creatures, and through failure, we learn things that are sometimes more important than lessons learned through success. Sometimes you just have to keep throwing s**t at the wall until something sticks.